


Over Sea, Under Stars

by vorkosigan



Series: Over Sea, Under Stars [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Burner Phone - Freeform, Cell Phones, Civil War Fix-It, Depression, Dialogue-Only, Flip Phone, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurtling Towards A Happy Ending, Late-blooming Nascent Plot, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Slow Burn, Some politics, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Texting, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, occasional humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-09-01 19:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 36,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8635870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vorkosigan/pseuds/vorkosigan
Summary: Tony gets the phone, but he never uses it and he never intends to. Or, he doesn’t until Steve starts texting him, asking strange questions about medication and mental health, which is when Tony gets worried. (A texting fix-it that grew beyond all proportion. Deals with depression and anxiety quite a lot. There is even some plot in there somewhere.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You've seen this before, I'm sure. Fix-it via texting. Not a new idea by far. But this one's mine, so I kinda like it :-)

**Monday**

 

 

It came out of nowhere while Tony was rattling around the compound. A text. After almost three months of no contact whatsoever.

 

_Steve: Are you on any type of medication?_

Tony: Why, what are you on?

Tony: Wanna trade?

Tony: Or do you plan on poisoning me and you're worried about contraindications?

Tony: Rogers, you sent this to me by mistake, didn't you?

Tony: How many people did you trade supersecret phones with?

Tony: To confirm this theory, just don't say anything.

_Steve: No._

Tony: Verbose.

Tony: What did you want?

_Steve: An answer._

Tony: I walked right into this one, didn't I?

_Steve: Please._

Tony: For the life of me, I don't know why I'm even talking to you, but fine. I'm taking Imitrex. Why?

Tony: Are you okay? What's going on?

Tony: No, scratch that. Pls forget I asked.

Tony: No, really, are you okay??

_Steve: You're having migraines?_

_Steve: Sorry, I was googling Imitrex._

Tony: Baby, I live and breathe migraines.

Tony: Oh Christ. Forget I said that.

Tony: I'm not having a jokey convo with you.

Tony: What did you want and why are you asking?

Tony: Rogers?

_Steve: But not anxiolytics?_

Tony: No, not anxiolytics, no.

_Steve: Why not?_

Tony: Because I didn't like what they did to me. Happy now?

Tony: Why are you asking me all this?

Tony: ...

Tony: Okay, I'm turning the phone off now.

_Steve: Wait!_

_Steve: Please._

Tony: It's 2 am.

_Steve: 8 pm here_

Tony: Fascinating.

 

Tony: Time zones ftw.

Tony: Give me one good reason to continue talking to you.

Tony: Except for tracking you down and arresting you, which, fyi, I could have done already if I'd wanted to.

_Steve: I know that._

_Steve: Thank you, Tony._

 

Tony: Screw you.

 

Tony: You keep ignoring or deflecting my questions.

Tony: You do realize I do not particularly enjoy talking to you, don't you?

_Steve: Not antidepressants either?_

Tony: No. What are you doing there, compiling a medical file for me?

Tony: And where'd you get my diagnoses?

Tony: Like, all of them.

 

Tony: It was Natasha, wasn't it. She's such an expert on mental health.

_Steve: Have you tried them?_

Tony: Is this your weird way of saying: Stark, you need to get help?

Tony: Because, frankly, it's rather insulting.

_Steve: No._

_Steve: Have you tried them?_

Tony: Jesus Christ, Steve, you don't give up, do you?

Tony: No. Forget I asked. I didn't just ask you that.

Tony: Antideps make me fat.

_Steve: What, really?_

Tony: No, not really.

Tony: I don't like what medication does to me, at least the little I've tried. I know it does wonders for some people, but it just makes me sick and kinda addles me and fogs my mind. Also, my sexual drive goes to hell.

Tony: I'm so going to regret telling you these things tomorrow.

Tony: I honestly think I should go. This is not good.

 

Tony: For anyone involved.

_Steve: Please._

_Steve: Please._

Tony: Okay.

 

Tony: Jesus.

Tony: What's with you?

Tony: Steve? Are you still there?

Tony: What's going on?

Tony: Is everyone okay? You're asking me weird things.

Tony: I'm getting worried here.

_Steve: I'm here._

Tony: Can you not do that again?

 

_Steve: Sorry._

Tony: Oh look, it can talk.

 

Tony: Rogers, are you all right?

 

 _Steve:_ _How do you manage then?_

Tony: Without the meds?

 

_Steve: Yeah._

Tony: Oh.

 

Tony: Oh, Steve.

 

Tony: You should tell me what's going on.

 

_Steve: I didn't mean to dump this on you._

_Steve: Look, I know this isn't okay. To do this to you._

_Steve: I know._

 

Tony: It's fine.

 

_Steve: No._

_Steve: I didn't mean to talk this much. I just thought_

Tony: Yeah

 

_Steve: You could maybe give me some simple advice._

_Steve: Pointers._

Tony: So I'm the least mentally stable person you know, so you're asking me?

 

Tony: No, please forget I said that.

 

_Steve: I didn't know who else to ask. I'm so sorry._

_Steve: I can't talk to anyone._

_Steve: And I didn't think you'd make a very big deal out of it._

_Steve: Actually, I didn't think you would even answer._

 

Tony: So you thought you'd try, and when I didn't answer, you could say you tried and that'd be that. Right?

 

_Steve: And I thought maybe you wouldn't tell anyone._

Tony: I don't really have anyone to tell.

 

_Steve: I shouldn't have called you. I'm so sorry._

Tony: Screw that!

 

Tony: I'm here.

 

Tony: How serious is this?

 

Tony: Steve? You need to talk to me now.

 

_Steve: Don't worry._

Tony: That's not reassuring. Also, it isn't an answer.

 

Tony: C'mon, buddy. Words.

 

_Steve: I just don't know what to do._

Tony: Meds may be a good option.

 

Tony: They're really good for some people.

 

Tony: A lot of people.

 

Tony: My ways, they're not healthy. You probably don't want my advice on this type of shit, btw.

 

_Steve: They don't work, Tony._

Tony: Look, you don't know until you try. I never said they didn't work. I said I wasn't happy with the side effects.

 

Tony: Me, as in personally.

 

_Steve: No._

_Steve: They don't work. On me. Because of the serum._

 

Tony: You sure? You tried?

 

_Steve: Well, yeah. When they defrosted me, back in 2012. They thought I'd need them to cope._

Tony: No effect whatsoever?

 

_Steve: Nope._

 

Tony: Well, shit.

 

Tony: There's also all kinds of talking cures.

 

Tony: It's an option.

 

Tony: If you ask your beclawed, feline, royal friend, he could probably find you a good therapist.

 

Tony: I know you said you can't talk to anyone.

 

_Steve: No._

 

Tony: But maybe you should try. Look, I'm serious.

 

Tony: Because whenever I ask how bad it is, you change the subject.

 

Tony: And I'm perfectly aware you wouldn't be talking to me of all people. After everything. If you thought you had any other options.

 

_Steve: I'm so sorry to have bothered you with this. I'm going now. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'm so sorry, Tony. Please forget this._

 

Tony: No, are you crazy?

 

Tony: Talk to me. You can talk to me. Health and such trump all. I'm here.

 

Tony: Steve, you need to answer me.

 

Tony: Steve??

 

_Steve: I'm here. I'm okay. I'm really sorry to have bothered you. Please don't worry. I'll find a way._

 

Tony: Won't you tell me what's bothering you? What's going on?

 

Tony: I may not be the best listener, but I can try.

 

_Steve: No. Really. I'm so sorry. I'm going now. Please don't worry about me. I'll be fine._

Tony: That's not how it works.

 

 _Steve: Please don't do this. I can't do this._ _I really can't. I can't. I can't._

 

Tony knew desperation when he saw it, even in a text message. He knew panic. He knew how it could be when people _pushed._

 

He gave him space.

 

He fell asleep four hours later, biting his own knuckles like crazy, but he gave him space.

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Tuesday morning**

 

Tony: You know what a kid once told me?

 

Tony: While I was having a panic attack.

 

Tony: He said 'You're a mechanic, right? So go make something'.

 

Tony: So, basically, that's not a bad advice, since I realized I didn't give you any last night, and you asked for some.

 

Tony: Go make something, Rogers.

 

Tony: You don't have to reply or anything if it's making you anxious. Because it can make you anxious. I know. In any case, don't worry

 

**Tuesday evening**

 

Tony: Cooking also helps.

 

Tony: Actually not so much cooking, but chopping things. Because making things can also sometimes make you anxious. It's all the pressure of maaaaaking. Things. In any case, chopping, yeah. Different textures of different vegetables, and maybe some shit like being in direct contact with your food. I don't know. But it kind of works for me. Did you know I can cook now? I learned.

 

Tony: I'll stop bothering you now. I hope you're okay.

 

**Wednesday night**

 

Tony: Steve? Are you there? Could you please answer?

 

Tony: Okay. Remember how I talked to you for an hour and a half two nights back although I'm pissed as all hell at you. Well, I'm going to need you to reply to me now. No matter how much you're whatever at me.

 

Tony: Because I just dreamed that you're dead, you died, and I can't take this, Steve, I can't, so just tell me you're there, you're okay. Jesus. Send a dick pic or something, whatever.

 

_Steve: I'm here, Tony._

Tony: Oh god

 

Tony: You have no fucking idea

 

Tony: You asshole

 

_Steve: I'm sorry._

Tony: Cut the bullshit.

 

Tony: I just needed to know you're okay.

 

_Steve: I was asleep._

 

Tony: My needing to know you're still alive trumps your need for sleep any day.

 

_Steve: Agreed._

_Steve: You actually woke me up from a nightmare, so I should say thanks._

_Steve: So thanks._

Tony: So what'd you dream?

 

Tony: You don't have to tell me.

 

Tony: But talk to me a little bit. If you can.

 

_Steve: You okay?_

Tony: Getting there. Kinda. Ironically, this helps.

 

_Steve: You died too. In mine._

 

Tony: Really?

 

_Steve: I killed you._

_Steve: With my shield._

_Steve: Your head rolled away._

 

_Steve: I think I threw up in my sleep._

_Steve: There's something weird on my pillow. Wet. Yucky._

Tony: Are we fucked up or what. Also, no one above the age of 12 says yucky.

 

_Steve: You get a lot of nightmares?_

 

Tony: Yeah. You?

 

_Steve: Yeah. I die a lot in yours?_

Tony: You. Nat, Clint. Bruce. Mostly you.

 

Tony: Rhodey falls and falls and falls. Almost every night.

 

Tony: Why am I telling you this?

 

_Steve: Because I'm going through a similar thing._

 

Tony: It's not a similar thing.

 

Tony: Because you caused yours and you caused mine.

 

Tony: I want to unsend that now.

 

Tony: Jesus, Rogers, you should find someone who isn't a total asshole to talk to.

 

Tony: I'm serious. I know you won't talk to me now, but you should talk to someone. Talk to Nat. She's been through shit. She'll understand.

 

Tony: Night, Steve.

 

***

 

**Thursday Afternoon**

 

Tony: I didn't mean what I said.

 

**Thursday Night (Just Before Friday Dawn)**

 

_Steve: You're not an asshole_

_Steve: You ever kill me in yours?_

Tony: Nope. Because I'm a better person than you.

 

Tony: That was a stupid joke. I should shut up.

 

_Steve: I know._

 

Tony: Gee, thanks.

 

_Steve: That it was a joke._

 

_Steve: So, how do I die, then?_

 

Tony: Discovered a morbid streak, have you.

 

Tony: By me not doing anything to stop it.

Tony: Steve?

 

_Steve: Hm?_

 

Tony: I really didn't mean what I said.

 

_Steve: Yes you did._

Tony: No, I didn't.

 

_Steve: Tony..._

 

Tony: Because, see, I had fucked up dreams long before any of this particular brand of shit hit the fan. You've been dying in mine ever since 2014. I think.

 

_Steve: You never said._

 

Tony: I'll send you a memo next time. Anyway, the point is, I'm fucked up, is all. Long before this. So, not your fault. I'm sorry I said it. I was being an asshole.

 

_Steve: You're not an asshole._

 

_Steve: I know what's my fault and what isn't._

Tony: Well, that makes one of us, then.

 

Tony: Btw, this wasn't directed at you. It was directed at me.

 

_Steve: I got it._

_Steve: I tried drawing._

_Steve: I can't._

Tony: Too much pressure?

 

_Steve: No, I don't think._

_Steve: Just, nothing's coming out._

_Steve: There's nothing there._

Tony: There's plenty there. Or you wouldn't be having the nightmares.

 

Tony: I suck at pop psychology.

 

Tony: I wish I were better at this.

 

_Steve: I don't want you to be my therapist, Tony. I just want to know your head is still attached to your neck._

 

Tony: Head's all there. I know because migraines.

 

Tony: I think I'll try to sleep now.

 

Tony: You okay back there?

 

_Steve: I'm better now._

_Steve: Night, Tony._

 

Tony: Good night.

 

***


	3. Chapter 3

**Saturday, around noon**

 

_Steve: How are you today?_

 

Tony: It's five in the morning, your time. What are you doing up?

 

_Steve: Can't sleep. The usual._

 

Tony: White pawn to e4.

 

_Steve: I think that's probably a reference to something?_

 

Tony: It's a reference to chess. C'mon, Rogers, you've played chess before. I've seen you.

 

_Steve: ???_

 

Tony: Oh, surely you remember, a checkerboard, 64 squares, things. You know.

 

_Steve: Is it some kind of a metaphor?_

 

Tony: No, dummy. It's a game of chess. Come on, indulge me, I'm so bored I might spontaneously break into constituent particles.

 

_Steve: What are you doing?_

 

Tony: Trying to coerce you into playing chess with me?

 

Tony: I'm at a board meeting.

 

_Steve: For SI?_

 

Tony: Yep.

 

_Steve: I thought you weren't on the board. For several years now. How come you're back?_

 

Tony: Well.

 

Tony: Pepper kind of resigned. And they thought it was a good idea to reelect me as the CEO. So, here I am now, yay.

 

Tony: Your move.

 

_Steve: Is there an app I should download? For chess?_

 

Tony: Aw come on, you're smart enough. You don't need an app. I used to do this with Rhodey all the time at the uni. But he's busy right now, so he's ignoring me.

 

Tony: Just to be clear, I'm only doing this with you because I'm out of options.

 

Tony: Are you very proud of yourself for saying ’app’? Because you know, you should be.

 

_Steve: You want to play sans voir?_

_Steve: Black pawn to d6._

_Steve: I've never done this before._

 

Tony: Something tells me you'll be okay.

 

_Steve: Is it okay to do this during a meeting?_

 

Tony: My pawn to d4.

 

_Steve: Seriously._

 

Tony: I don't care. But I can swing both at once. Jeez.

 

Tony: Are you actually trying to stall? Because this is barely the beginning.

 

_Steve: Knight to f6. And no. Just seems..._

 

Tony: What, irresponsible? Come on, Rogers, hit me. Do your worst.

 

_Steve: Just...Why are you there if you don't want to be there?_

 

Tony: I do want to be here.

 

Tony: No, actually no, I really don't. But all the other options were way worse. I literally have no one to put in charge, I have no one who is both capable and, you know, trustworthy. So, yeah, shut up. Knight to c3.

 

Tony: Why do you always have to do this?

 

_Steve: Pawn to g6. Do what?_

 

Tony: Don't fuck with me, Rogers.

 

_Steve: Oh, don't be like that._

 

_Steve: Tony?_

 

Tony: Do you have any idea how big this corporation is? How many important projects there are? How many fucking employees? How many workplace accidents? How many health benefit plans? Do you have any idea what you are talking about like at all?

 

_Steve: Come on, I'm sorry._

 

Tony: No, you come on.

 

 

**Saturday afternoon  
**

 

 _Steve: Look, I know nothing about running a company. You know that. But I do know about leading a squad. And how you have to take care of everyone and everything, and keep an eye of everything, and I know how stressful that is, I do._ _I understand.  
_

 

Tony: Fuck you.

 

 

**Saterday afternoon, a few hours later  
**

 

Tony: Hey. You there?

 

Tony: Bishop to e3?

 

Tony: Sorry.

 

Tony: I'd been doing this shit for 15 years and I'm sick of it. And I have other things to worry about. But I do know what I'm doing. And you just... you don't have to assume I'd just be toying with things like that. Because WHEN have I done anything like that?

 

 

**Saturday evening, around 11 pm  
**

 

_Steve: Why do we always have to fight?_

 

Tony: bc we do

 

_Steve: I don't want to._

 

Tony: well bummer

 

_Steve: I'm so sorry. I miss you. I miss home._

 

Tony: oh really? maybe you should have thought about that bfore you, idk, blew it all to hell

 

Tony: went into hiding with your murderous asshole of a friend

 

Tony: left me there to freeze my fckng ass half to death

 

Tony: did you think about how you were going to miss HOME while you were hitting me in the fucking FACE with your shield

 

_Steve: I... don't know how we got here from me saying I miss you..._

 

Tony: did you think about how much you were going to miss me while your tiny disbalanced friend tried to crush me by piling literal TONS of cars on top of me

 

Tony:  she left a giant hole in my home, btw. the one you miss. and i don't mean metaphorical hole

 

_Steve: I know you are angry. You have every reason to be._

 

Tony: why don't you go talk to HER insead? maybe she can fix your fucking head so you don't have to bother ME any longer

 

 

**Saturday-Sunday night, 1 am  
**

 

Tony: adn i came there to HELP you

 

Tony: jus thnkgn about it

 

Tony: makes me want to explode idk

 

_Steve: I know. I know you did._

 

Tony: u dont know anythng

 

_Steve: Tony?_

 

_Steve: Have you been drinking?_

 

Tony: *slow clap*

 

_Steve: Why are you doing this??_

 

_Steve: I can't do this._

 

Tony: oh really you cna't

 

Tony: how refreshing

 

Tony: so heres something for you to chew on. i let you walk away. i was pulling my punches. that's my biggest regret. because i coulda turned u into a fucking 4th of july firework if id wanted to

 

Tony: 4th of july, lol, get it?

 

 

**Sunday, 2 pm  
**

 

Tony: Steve?

 

 

**Sunday, 6 pm  
**

 

Tony: Are you never going to talk to me ever again now?

 

 

**Sunday, 10 pm  
**

 

Tony: Well, fuck you, I'm throwing your fucking phone away. I don't need this shit in my life.

 

 

**Sunday-Monday, night, 2 am  
**

 

Tony: Steve?

 

 

**Sunday-Monday, night, 2.30 am**

 

_Steve: Bishop to g7?_

 

Tony: queen to d2

 

_Steve: pawn to c6_

 

Tony: pawn to f3

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about chess. Nothing. So, basically, I'm stealing a famous game from here: http://www.chessgames.com/perl/chessgame?gid=1011478  
> Playing sans voir is apparently playing chess in your head. I knew some people could do it but I never knew what it was called.  
> The hours listed are Tony's time, btw (I thought that was clear, but maybe not).
> 
> Thanks for reading and please tell me what you thought :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Monday**

 

Tony: I don't feel like apologizing for the other night.

 

Tony: Because I reread the conversation, and you know what, I don't feel like apologizing for telling the truth.

 

 

**Tuesday afternoon  
**

 

_Steve: T'Challa just gave me the care package._

 

Tony: How nice of him. Did he bake you cookies too?

 

_Steve: The one you sent him. For me._

 

_Steve: Thank you._

 

Tony: When you've been sacked and you are carrying all your possessions in a cardboard box, walking to the door – do you also call that box a care package? I'm curious.

_Steve: Aw, come on._

 

Tony: I just cleaned out your shit from my house.

 

Tony: Didn't feel like looking at it any longer.

 

Tony: Was going to throw it away, but hey.

 

_Steve: My gray sweatshirt._

 

_Steve: My favorite mug._

 

_Steve: My set of pencils._

 

_Steve: The magnet I bought in Vermont that one time._

 

_Steve: Bagel mix from Morissey's._

 

Tony: Do you absolutely need me here for your inventory needs or can you perhaps make the list on your own? Because, contrary to the popular belief, I'm a pretty busy person.

 

_Steve: My instant coffee._

 

Tony: Vile stuff.

 

_Steve: I like it._

 

Tony: I KNOW.

 

_Steve: Three boxes of apple jacks._

 

Tony: Just organizing the cupboard. You didn't expect me to actually eat that shit, did you?

 

_Steve: Uh-huh. I checked the dates on the boxes. Produced after I left._

 

Tony: Huh. Didn't even cross my mind to check that.

 

Tony: No, wait, can I change my reply? Here: It gets restocked automatically. I didn't cancel the order in time. I just found them sitting there in the kitchen. Screw you.

 

_Steve: You went to a store and bought them._

 

Tony: Now, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

 

Tony: I might have ordered them online.

 

Tony: But went to a store, really? As if.

 

_Steve: You sent me all the little bits of home._

 

Tony: You just had to notice the damn dates, did you?

 

 

**Tuesday, later  
**

 

Tony: Steve? About the other night.

 

Tony: I was having my regular drinking and crying session. You interrupted. It was a really bad timing.

 

Tony: But I reread the convo again.

 

Tony: Not the bad one; the chess one, before that. I think I kind of overreacted there. You didn't really say anything. You just asked if I was supposed to be doing what I was doing, basically.

 

Tony: I kind of supplemented everything else. And you kept apologizing.

 

Tony: So I'm actually pretty sorry about that one.

 

Tony: I think I'm still just really, really angry with you.

 

_Steve: So you're sending me cereals?_

  
Tony: So I'm sending you cereals.

 

Tony: Just imagine what I would be sending if I actually still liked you.

 

 

**Wednesday, 9 am  
**

 

_Steve: Do you really regret not blowing me up?_

 

Tony: ...

 

Tony: You're an idiot.

 

 

**Wednesday evening  
**

 

Tony: How are you doing, though, are you okay?

 

 

**Wednesday, still later in the evening  
**

 

Tony: I'm sitting here fretting if you're okay, like a crazy person.

 

 

**Wednesday, a lot later, that night  
**

 

Tony: Because when I say shitty things to you, with your probable depression, I go wondering what's going on, what's going through your head afterwards.

 

Tony: When you're not saying anything.

 

Tony: And it's really scary.

 

 

 **Wednesday,** **extremely late at night**

 

Tony: Oh, come on, don't make me live through the night like this.

 

 

**Wednesday-Thursday, extremely late or extremely early, depending on how you view it (but just about 15 minutes after the last one, really)  
**

 

Tony: Rogers, you giant dick. Do you know how many worst case scenarios I can develop in a matter of seconds when you're not replying. You're hitting me in my worst fears and it's just not fair.

 

Tony: I never even talked about this to anyone before. And now that you know, you're intentionally making it worse.

 

Tony: Okay, maybe not intentionally, but do you have any idea what you ignoring me does to me?

 

_Steve: Tony, do you have any idea what this kind of pressure does to me? I can't be responsible for this too. I thought you of all people would understand._

 

Tony: Yeah, screw you.

 

Tony Okay, so just send something. You don't have to write words, I told you. Jesus fuck, just send a lolcatz meme once  a day or something

 

_Steve: Or a dick pic._

 

Tony: I promise I won't pressure you further.

 

Tony: Yeah, or a dick pic. I won't say no to a dick pic from you.

 

_Steve: Do you have lots of drinking and crying sessions?_

 

_Steve: Because I'm worried about you too, Tony._

_Steve: And I know what you are going to say, you are going to say that I have no right to be, that I forfeited that right by my actions._

_Steve: But that doesn't make me any less worried._

 

_Steve: And I'm not going to off myself, if that's what you are thinking. I'm just sitting here, very quietly wishing I didn't exist. But that's all._

 

_Steve: I tried making the bagels._

 

**Wednesday-Thursday, after a bit of waiting in order not to appear too eager**

 

Tony: Were they any good?

 

_Steve: Well, nothing exploded. So, that tops my previous cooking experience, which was mostly sticking a can of beans into the fire and forgetting about it._

Tony: Were they edible?

 

_Steve: Well, Sam and I ate them. Which is not saying much, but hey._

Tony: A part of me is not completely unhappy that you're worried about me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thursday, still painfully early**

 

_Steve: Hey._

 

_Steve: I'm sitting here eating my apple jacks._

 

_Steve: I haven't tasted them in months, you know._

 

_Steve: And if I close my eyes for a second, I can almost believe I'm in the kitchen at home, and everyone's there, clattering around_

 

_Steve: and you don't need to be hearing this._

 

_Steve: I'm sorry._

 

_Steve: Trust me, I just wanted to share an almost-nice moment. It was the first one in I don't know how long._

 

_Steve: But these days saying anything feels like walking a mine-field._

 

_Steve: Tony?_

 

Tony: Did you know that, in Russia, apple jack is actually a moniker for a type of apple vodka?

 

Tony: So if you ever go to Russia and try to get you some cereal, beware.

 

_Steve: ..._

 

Tony: Hey, you can't steal the triple dot fuckery! That's my form of expression.

 

_Steve: It's on loan here temporarily. It's appropriate._

 

Tony: You mean it's been APPROPRIATED.

 

Tony: Sorry, that was so incredibly lame.

 

Tony: Look, I'm only deflecting because I don't know what to say.

 

_Steve: Well, that's a first, then._

 

Tony: You seem awfully chipper this morning.

 

_Steve: Yeah?_

 

_Steve: A lady just invited me out on a date._

 

Tony: A lady?

 

Tony: I take it you don't mean a female member of British aristocracy?

 

Tony: Like, the 69 years old lady Acton just asked me out.

 

Tony: Because, if that's not the case, I feel I have to tell you

Tony: it's better not to say 'lady'

Tony: because it's got a certain sexist connotation

Tony: so, basically, it's safest to simply go with 'woman'

Tony: can't go wrong with that

Tony: although i must admit 'lady' is still better than 'dame'

Tony: or 'girl'

Tony: because honestly

 

_Steve: Tony, why are you babbling?_

 

Tony: Excuse me?

 

_Steve: It's like a barrage of messages._

 

_Steve: I can just hear you in my head. You're talking 100 miles an hour._

 

_Steve: Are you upset for some reason?_

 

Tony: No.

 

Tony: Of course not.

 

Tony: Why would I be?

 

_Steve: I don't know. You just came off weird._

 

Tony:  No, I'm totally okay.

 

Tony: So tell me about this secret romance.

 

_Steve: Well, it's not a romance._

 

Tony: Yet.

 

Tony: You two are going to have a million screaming brats together.

 

Tony: Who is she?

 

_Steve: We'll she's palace staff. A floor manager, I think._

 

Tony: This seems a little unprofessional of her, then.

 

_Steve: Do you want me to stop talking about this? I don't have to._

 

Tony: No.

 

Tony: Nope.

 

Tony: So, she cute?

 

_Steve: Yes, she's pretty._

 

Tony: You chat a lot to her before?

 

_Steve: Well, no._

 

_Steve: But, she's, ah, she seems nice._

 

Tony: Nice. Yeah. That's a big turn-on right there.

 

Tony: Sorry. So, when's the big day then?

 

_Steve: Saturday._

 

Tony: Cool.

 

Tony: Don't go spilling any state secrets.

 

_Steve: Haha. I don't think I know any state secrets._

 

Tony: Okay. So, don't fall into a ditch or something.

 

Tony: And for fuck's sake, use a condom.

 

 

**Also Thursday**

 

Tony: Hey. If I came off as a jerk earlier that's because... I am one, I guess? I'm in some kind of a funk too.

 

Tony: It's probably a good thing that you're going on a date. Get out of the house, see the world. Seriously. It's probably very healthy.

 

Tony: Have a good time and all that. Because I didn't say that earlier, did I?

 

Tony: And I'm glad you enjoyed your apple jacks. It's... good that in your head they connect to good memories. Even if it hurts a bit. Because I've been there before, and the worst thing you can do is close off all the emotions completely, even the good ones, because everything is painful. It takes a longest time to come back from that place. So.

 

Tony: It's just... I don't really know how to react when you tell me something like that.

 

Tony: Besides from the obvious, I'm not really used to you sharing things.

 

Tony: But it's good that you are doing it.

 

Tony: See, this is me trying my hand at being supportive. Please don't reply. I feel stupid as it is.

 

 

**Thursday, later**

 

_Steve: So, what's 2014?_

 

Tony: Is that supposed to be very profound and philosophical? I've no idea what you mean, and also, the head is killing me.

 

_Steve: Last week. You said you'd been having the nightmares about me dying ever since 2014. So, why 2014?_

_Steve: Ultron?_

 

_Steve: Oh, I'm so sorry you're having a headache._

 

_Steve: We don't have to talk right now._

 

Tony: Relax. I can do headaches in my sleep.

 

Tony: Which, btw, I sometimes do.

 

Tony: No, not Ultron. Before Ultron. Does it matter?

 

Tony: Wait, are you going through our old conversations right now?

 

Tony: Could I ask you to skip the shitty one?

 

Tony: Okay, that's not very specific. The shittiest one.

 

_Steve: Right._

 

_Steve: Wait, before Ultron? Really?_

 

Tony: Since when you all moved into the Tower. Since we got closer, I guess.

 

Tony: so I just

 

_Steve: Started having nightmares about losing me?_

 

Tony: yep, cause that's what I do

 

Tony: that's exactly what I always do

 

Tony: I lose people

 

 

**Seems like this Thursday will never end**

 

_Steve: Why were you in a funk earlier?_

 

Tony: What's with the interrogatory mode today?

 

Tony: Apparently I have to do a press conference  on Monday.

 

Tony: So.

 

Tony: Yay.

 

_Steve: But you kill at press conferences._

 

Tony: Yeah. Bodies just pile up...

 

_Steve: You're being morbid._

 

_Steve: I meant that you do really well._

 

Tony: I know what you meant.

 

_Steve: So, you'll be okay. A little bored, I guess. But okay._

 

Tony: Thanks for the vote of confidence, I guess, but you know what, the fact that I know how to plaster a smile on my face and flirt with the audience doesn't mean it doesn't make my stomach turn. You gotta dress for the part, and play your part for these people, or they tear you to bits. And if I thought they at least did it out of passion for truth, or out of genuine malice, ANYTHING... But it's just in their job description. It’s their job to turn you into something plastic and two-dimensional. And not really human. And it depresses the shit out of me.

 

 _Steve: Oh god, Tony. And I always thought you kind of enjoyed the spotlight. The way_ _you act..._

 

Tony: I must say that you were, if anything, exceptionally insightful, as always.

 

Tony: That was scathing sarcasm, btw.

 

_Steve: I figured._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If not for civilwarbrokemyheart, I would've had no idea what apple jacks are in Russia :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Thursday, 10 pm in New York; Friday, 5 am in Wakanda**

 

_Steve: Hey. I kind of wanted to talk to you about something._

 

Tony: no

 

_Steve: I don't know if you are joking or not._

 

Tony: no

 

Tony: listen Steve,

 

Tony: i'm busy getting hammered atm and it's just turning from good to bad

 

Tony: so in teh lkight of what happened the last time I'm turning the phone off and imma try go to bed, sleep it off now

 

Tony: k?

 

 

**Friday, 3 am in New York, 10 am in Wakanda**

 

Tony: I just woke up from a dream that Natasha was my sister and that I was trying to strangle her.

 

Tony: So yay, another level of fucked up.

 

Tony: You asleep?

 

_Steve: No. It's late here._

 

_Steve: That's so screwed up. I'm sorry._

 

_Steve: Sorry, I just... had a bad night. I'm a bit... It's really difficult to talk right now?_

 

_Steve: [is sending a picture]_

 

 

**Friday, 11 am in New York, 6 pm in Wakanda**

 

Tony: So last night my sight was still too blurry-like to figure out what it was you sent me. And this morning I guess I'm too hungover to make heads or tails of the fact that you sent me an old newspaper photo of Reed Richards?

 

Tony: Oh

 

Tony: That's gotta be the worst joke in the history of the universe.

 

Tony: It's still kinda hilarious, though.

 

Tony: I guess he is a bit of a dick.

 

 

**Friday, 2 pm in New York, 9 pm in Wakanda**

 

_Steve: I know you're going to want to throw something at my head for this._

 

Tony: Do proceed.

 

_Steve: But should you be drinking this much?_

 

Tony: Is that what you wanted to talk to me about yesterday? A weird text-based intervention? From you? Really?

 

_Steve: But, I mean, you won't take medication because you don't like the side effects, but side effects from drinking are okay?_

 

Tony: Sanctimonious prick.

 

Tony: If you could get trashed, you'd be doing it too.

 

Tony: Only, somehow you'd be able to make it look like a healing, wholesome family experience or something. And you would have sympathy of thousands.

 

Tony: sometimes I really hate you.

 

 

**Friday, 15 minutes later**

 

Tony: But, for future reference, not for real.

 

_Steve: I know, Tony._

 

Tony: I keep lashing out at you

 

_Steve: Because you're angry with me._

 

Tony: Yeah, but it feels unfair. If I'm being a dick to you, just tell me to go to hell. You gotta learn to do that. Don't just sit there, taking it,

 

_Steve: Are you trying to give me lessons in integrity? Please. And what if I think you are right in what you are saying?_

 

Tony: The fact that you fucked up doesn't mean you OWE it to me to be a pushover whenever I feel like pushing, for fuck's sake.

 

Tony: Also, I said IF I'm being a dick.

 

_Steve: What if you are being a dick but you still have a point?_

 

Tony: Then tell me that.

 

_Steve: But I think you are probably aware of it already._

 

Tony: Yeah, probably, but maybe it's different when someone says it. When you do.

Maybe I can learn to say what I want without the unnecessary surplus of assholery.

 

_Steve: Maybe I can learn to hear what you are actually saying despite the assholery._

 

Tony: Ya-huh, right, when pigs fly

 

_Steve: You're kind of being a dick right now_

 

Tony: See, was it that difficult???

 

 

**Friday 6 pm in New York, Saturday 1 am in Wakanda,**

 

_Steve: Hey, does it feel like this to you too? When you wake up in the middle of the night and it's almost like three tons of rocks crash down on you all of a sudden, and you are lying all broken in a landslide? Because it just... comes back, all of it, and you remember what happened, and what you did, and EVERYTHING, and most of all WHO YOU ARE, and you want to go fill your lungs with water just to try to wash it all out?_

_Steve: Just a metaphor, though, don't be scared._

 

Tony: And you say I'm morbid.

 

Tony: Yes, yes it does. Pretty much like that.

 

_Steve: How do you stand it?_

 

_Steve: I know I keep asking that, but..._

 

Tony: It used to be unbearable. But I got years of experience on you, buddy.

 

_Steve: I'm not so sure. It's kind of always been there. Or close enough. But not this intensive._

 

Tony: Yeah, I get it. Depression on a back-burner. And then it hits full-force, eh?

 

Steve: Yeah.

 

Tony: Me, when I sense it coming, there's a part of me that's... okay, broken in a landslide, to borrow your metaphor. And then there's another part of me that just rolls its eyes and goes like 'oh, this again'. And I just kind of stand aside and know what's happening and watch. And it hurts, but at least I'm used to it. I've been there before.

 

Tony: Your secret missions aren't helping at all?

 

_Steve: A little, I think._

 

_Steve: wait_

 

_Steve: what_

 

Tony: Yeah, I know about that, yadda yadda yadda. What's it you thought, I wouldn't figure you out?

 

Tony: Besides, I do talk to T'Challa occasionally; and he's not hiding his opinions, if nothing else. And I can put two and two together. I'm not stupid.

 

_Steve: I should have told you._

 

Tony: You don't need to inform me every time you go take a dump.

 

_Steve: Crude._

 

_Steve: Please don't be angry with me, Tony. I can't stand it. I'll go crazy._

 

_Steve: MORE angry with me._

 

Tony: Did you think I dropped this into the conversation to guilt-trip you for not telling me? Really?

 

_Steve: Maybe?_

 

_Steve: I'm guessing no?_

 

Tony: I fucking asked if it was helping because I wanted to know if being busy is helping because I'm fucking TRYING TO HELP, although I sometimes really, really want to deck you for being an insufferable idiot.

 

 

**Friday 7 pm**

 

Tony: I'm guessing this was not the best thing to say, though?

 

 

**Friday 8 pm New York, Saturday 3 am Wakanda**

 

Tony: Look, please don't wish you didn't exist. I know that feeling. So well. But there's always something.

 

_Steve: I told you I wasn't suicidal._

 

Tony: Yeah, but would you tell me if you were?

 

_Steve: Probably. I think so._

 

_Steve: Now._

 

Tony: That right there is a huge relief.

 

_Steve: I don't even know if you're being sarcastic or not any more._

 

Tony: No, I'm actually, surprisingly totally not being sarcastic.

 

Tony: But still

 

Tony: there's always something, even if you're not aware of it right now.

 

_Steve: Are you actually trying to give me a pep talk? About how life is worth living?_

 

Tony: Maybe.

 

Tony: In a very non-sappy way.

 

_Steve: And there are people who love me and who would be sorry if I died and all?_

 

Tony: See, even when you're depressed, you still know how to put a more positive spin on things than me!

 

_Steve: I was being sarcastic this time around._

 

Tony. Well. How the mighty have fallen.

 

Tony: But generally, screw people. I was thinking more on the lines of, right now I'm at an on-loan exhibition of Picasso's rare drawings

 

Tony: and lithographs and linocuts and things.

 

Tony: Even some ceramics and glass sculptures.

 

_Steve: REALLY??_

 

Tony: And – yeah, see, you're interested already – and, in any case, I'm standing here and I'm thinking how much you would love it, and really, you gotta see this.

 

_Steve: Well, I'm not there._

 

Tony: I've noticed, thank you.

 

Tony: In any case, you need to see it at some point

 

Tony: and, as life goals go, idk, I don't think this is a bad one

 

Tony: but people, yeah, okay, you can also say people. You believe in individuals, blah blah.

 

_Steve: So, basically, you're standing there, thinking of me?_

 

_Steve: :)_

 

Tony: are you using emoji now?

 

Tony: that's so 2000's

 

Tony: i'm a little drunk

 

Tony: but not bad drunk like the last time

 

Tony: times

 

Tony: and I went around sneak-snapping all these pics with my phone for you

 

Tony: and than I realized: why would you even want them

 

Tony: you can probably find all of the drawings online, in a higher resolution

 

Tony: or in art books, which is probably more your style

 

_Steve: Can I still have the ones you took for me, though?_

 

Tony: yeah? okay, sending them over

 

_Steve: Oh!_

 

_Steve: His LINES_

 

_Steve: Jesus, Tony!_

 

_Steve: Oh hahahah_

 

_Steve: What's with the peace-sign selfie? By the lovely drawing of a naked woman & the clapping man?_

 

Tony: Oh, lol, yeah, that one wasn't meant for you.

 

Tony: That one was in order to piss off some jerk who stood there ranting at some poor woman, sounding exactly like the postmodern generator, saying absolutely nothing

 

Tony: about the mythopoetical whole

 

Tony: neocultural sublimation

 

Tony: deappropriation, futility and absurdism

 

Tony: I'm not even kidding

 

_Steve: I don't know what any of that means..._

 

Tony: exactly!!!!

 

Tony: also, steve, I don't think the man in that drawing is clapping

 

_Steve: You look really tired, by the way._

 

Tony: I'm fine.

 

_Steve: Right._

 

_Steve: Did you lose weight?_

 

Tony: I'm FINE!

 

***

 

**Friday, an hour or two later**

_Steve: Look..._

 

_Steve: When I'm not replying._

 

_Steve: It's because I really, really can't._

 

Tony: I know.

 

_Steve: But I lie in my bed and I curl around the phone and I hold it and I'm... in a way, I'm just insanely happy to know you're there, on the other side, even if I can't talk to you right then._

 

Tony: Go to sleep, Steve. You should try to sleep.

 

Tony: Thanks.

 

Tony: Me too. I think.


	7. Chapter 7

**Saturday, 8 pm Wakanda, 1 pm New York**

 

Tony: I heard about Madripoor.

 

Tony: That was you, wasn't it?

 

Tony: Are you guys safe?

 

Tony: Goddammit, Rogers!

 

_Steve: I'm fine. We're all fine._

 

_Steve: Shower._

 

_Steve: I'm here now._

 

_Steve: I don't even know if I'm supposed to be talking to you about this._

 

Tony: Do you really think I would, like, rat you out? Really? After everything?

 

_Steve: It's not THAT. Jesus, Tony._

 

_Steve: I know, okay._

 

_Steve: It just feels wrong._

 

_Steve: You not being there._

 

_Steve: We always did this together._

 

Tony: I'm just typing and deleting...

 

Tony: Which could probably be considered progress, eh?

 

_Steve: That's why I'm generally reluctant to talk about this._

 

Tony: I get it.

 

Tony: I just don't know what to say.

 

_Steve: Well, neither do I._

 

Tony: Well, isn't that just hilarious?

 

 

**Just a bit later  
**

 

Tony: So are you still going on that date? It's tonight, right?

 

_Steve: We put it off till tomorrow._

 

Tony: Oh? Did it break her heart?

 

Tony: Did it break yours?

 

_Steve: It's not off, it's tomorrow._

 

Tony: I heard you the first time.

 

Tony: Look, on a different note, I've been thinking.

 

Tony: About what I said that night – which is one of the things I didn't quite mean, which you've probably figured out, but still.

 

_Steve: I thought you meant it all. I thought you weren't going to apologize for telling the truth._

 

Tony: I love it that you know what night I'm talking about.

 

Tony: Yeah, quote that back at me, why dontcha, go right ahead.

 

Tony: What do you want me to say now?

 

_Steve: What were you going to say?_

 

Tony: Maybe there's something to that idea, though. Maybe Maximoff could really help you. If the meds can't. Maybe she could take a peak inside your head. What she did to everyone during the Ultron debacle. What if she can do the opposite too?

 

_Steve: I don't want to talk to Wanda._

 

_Steve: And I don't want someone to magically fix me._

 

_Steve: I'm not a piece of machinery._

 

_Steve: I'm just sad. I have a right to be sad._

 

_Steve: Why do you keep trying to sic me on other people? If you don't want to talk, you don't have to. We don't have to._

 

Tony: This? After last night? Really?

 

Tony: You know what, Rogers, fuck this.

 

_Steve: Fine._

 

**Ten minutes later**

 

Tony: Wanna know what I just did?

 

Tony: Or, more precisely, didn't do.

 

Tony: I didn't go to the bar and I didn't pour myself a big drink.

 

Tony: And I know you're not going to fucking understand, but right now it's a biggie. So.

 

Tony: Because I think we should probably try to talk about shit for once.

 

_Steve: This is going to end badly. I know it. But you know what, Tony, yes, I think you are right. I'm tired of us tiptoeing around every issue._

 

_Steve: So shoot._

 

_Steve: Also, in case we manage to stop talking forever after this, I think it's wonderful that you are not drinking. I really do._

 

Tony: We're not going to stop talking forever.

 

Tony: Are we?

 

Tony: Anyway, have you considered how your hiding your state from everyone around you constitutes as lies? It's gonna come back and bite you in the ass at some point. It always escalates. How can you not know these things?

 

Tony: Just go ahead, tell me it's none of my business.

 

_Steve: I won't._

 

_Steve: But it's not theirs._

 

_Steve: This is personal. I'm their friend, but this really is a personal matter. It's not like what I did to you. Hiding the_

 

_Steve: about Bucky_

 

_Steve: Which is killing me._

 

Tony: Yeah, buddy, I know, me too. But that's not what I'm trying to talk about here.

 

_Steve: Yeah, but it's not okay to draw parallels with that, though. It's not the same thing. This is just my own, personal pain._

 

Tony: What if they trust you to be rational and strong; and then what if, at a key moment, you aren't?

 

_Steve: Pot, kettle, Tony. And I can still be rational and strong. I'm just depressed._

 

Tony: And going nuts.

 

_Steve: And going nuts._

 

Tony: And re. pot, kettle. That's how I know, okay.

 

Tony: Also.

 

Tony: How could you say I didn't want to talk to you?

 

Tony: Jesus. I mean, what the fuck have I been doing all this time?

 

Tony: I'm just shitscared, Steve.

 

Tony: That I'm going to fuck you up further.

 

_Steve: And then, if something happens, it will be your fault, right?_

 

Tony: Yeah. But it's not just that.

 

_Steve: I know._

 

_Steve: It can't be your fault. I talk to you because I want to._

 

_Steve: Because_

 

_Steve: And nothing's going to happen. don't worry._

 

Tony: Well, I worry.

 

Tony: it's my modus operandi.

 

Tony: And how come, Steve? Seriously?

 

Tony: I've been thinking about this.

 

Tony: How come it's me? And not, say, Sam? He's even semi-qualified.

 

_Steve: I'm afraid that, if they know I'm falling apart, they'll fall apart in turn. Everything will fall apart._

 

Tony: Look, I understand that.

 

Tony: You are not the first control freak in history.

 

Tony: But can you really hold on like this?

 

_Steve: I think so._

 

_Steve: Hope so._

 

_Steve: And I talk to you. Because I want to talk to you. Not Wanda. Not Sam._

 

Tony: Yeah, buddy, but I'm here and you're all the way over there.


	8. Chapter 8

**Sunday**

 

_Steve: Hey. What are you doing?_

 

Tony: Hiding.

 

_Steve: ??_

 

Tony: In the bathroom.

 

_Steve: At home? From whom??_

 

Tony: Not at home. Geez. There's a government hearing in progress. And I'm taking five. And later today I have the press conference.

 

_Steve: Wasn't that supposed to be tomorrow?_

 

Tony: Got pushed for today.

 

_Steve: Because of Madripoor?_

 

Tony: Yep.

 

_Steve: I'm so sorry._

 

Tony: Don't sweat it.

 

_Steve: It shouldn't have to be you. With the press._

 

Tony: I can hardly send an android to do it, eh? And Rhodey is still perceived more as a member of the military than anything else. And those are the options we got at the moment.

 

Tony: Coming to think of it, maybe I WILL send Vision next time. Take one for the team, Jewelhead.

 

Tony: Look, don't worry about it now. I'll push through. Everyone knows I can't do anything else right, but press conferences, I'm born to do press conferences.

 

Tony: I'm just supposed to make it clear that whatever you lot are doing has got nothing to do with the Avengers any longer. Yay. And not take any questions.

 

Tony: Got it all neatly written down for me. On these tiny cards. As if I couldn't memorize a fucking phonebook overnight. Christ.

 

Tony: I'm just pissed, Steve. Not at you. Don't pay attention.

 

_Steve: You shouldn't be forced to do this because of me. It's not right._

 

Tony: It is what it is.

 

_Steve: Is the government hearing also related to that?_

 

Tony: Nah. Some internal security nonsense.

 

_Steve: Nothing to do with us then?_

 

Tony: It's got to do with the Accords. But only tangentially. Also, I said okay to doing it because I was okay with it. Don't worry about it.

 

_Steve: Okay._

 

_Steve: How are you, Tony?_

 

Tony: I'm fine.

 

_Steve: I hate that you are alone there._

 

Tony: No, Rhodey's here, I'm really okay.

 

_Steve: So who are you hiding from?_

 

Tony: I'm not really hiding. I just... needed a few moments of not looking at anyone's stupid face. A breather. Christ, I hate people sometimes.

 

_Steve: That's the side of you I never really figured out. You always seem so good with people._

 

Tony: People can be heady. It's like crowd-surfing, only you don't have to really move, and no one has to touch you. Thankfully. But I like people! On general principle.

 

_Steve: It's just that sometimes you don't._

 

Tony: It's just that sometimes I don't.

 

Tony: THAT!

 

_Steve: I get that. I really do._

 

Tony: Aren't you supposed to be getting ready for your date about now? Speaking of people.

 

_Steve: Still got ten minutes left to chat :)_

 

_Steve: Tony._

 

_Steve: Are you okay? Really._

 

Tony: I'm a little better now. I was just getting kind of overwhelmed in there.

 

Tony: Look, I'll even get out of the stall.

 

Tony: Don't worry.

 

_Steve: I want to say I wish I were there, to help, but you are just going to be pissed at me if I do, aren't you?_

 

_Steve: But I hate that you have to do this._

 

Tony: You never helped with this before either way, so relax.

 

Tony: And I don't mean it in a mean way.

 

Tony: I'm serious. I can handle shit like this. Don't worry.

 

Tony: And I'm not pissed at you. I'm kind of happy to hear from you actually, right now.

 

_Steve: Really?_

 

Tony: What, do I really need to say it twice?

 

Tony: Go, now. Shoo. Get ready. Have fun. You should have fun. Don't worry about me.

 

_Steve: Will you let me know how it went?_

 

Tony: There's nothing to it. I told you, don't worry.

 

 

 

**45 minutes later**

 

_Steve: What do I talk about??_

 

Tony: The only advice I can give you right now is what Pepper told me this morning. Because we actually talked, which is good news.

 

_Steve: What did she say?_

 

Tony: To steer clear of international politics.

 

_Steve: :)_

Tony: You can talk about your art. About drawing. Your artist's block.

 

Tony: That's all legit.

 

Tony: Christ, don't do this to me.

 

 

 

**A little later**

_Steve: You doing okay?_

 

Tony: RELAX AND ENJOY YOUR FUCKING DATE, ROGERS!

 

 

 

**11 pm in Wakanda, 4 pm in New York**

 

Tony: So, how did it go?

 

_Steve: Okay._

 

Tony: That's the enthusiasm we all know and love.

 

Tony: So, what's she like?

 

Tony: If you say 'nice', I'm hurling myself into Europa.

 

Tony: Jupiter's sixth moon.

 

Tony: Because hurling oneself into the Sun is so last year.

 

Tony: Although, hurling myself into Europa is probably heteronormative or something, so maybe I'll pick Ganymede after all, just out of spite and to shock everyone.

 

Tony: How was it?

 

Tony: Or is it still going on?

 

Tony: Am I interrupting sexytimes?

 

_Steve: Jesus, Tony. How can you type so fast?_

 

Tony: I'm dictating atm. Duh.

 

_Steve: You're going a hundred miles an hour. Is everything okay?_

 

Tony: On my side? Stellar. Why are you sidestepping my questions?

 

_Steve: Well, you've forbidden me to say 'nice', and I'm not sure what else to say._

 

_Steve: She doesn't talk a lot. She's kind of funny? She's a metalhead. Or is that Goth? I can never tell._

 

_Steve: And I'd picked a cute coffee shop for the date. VERY cute._

 

Tony: Pink?

 

_Steve: Flowers._

 

Tony: Frills?

 

_Steve: Yep._

 

_Steve: But we laughed a lot about it. So I suppose it turned out okay. Went for a walk afterwards._

 

Tony: You sleep with her?

 

_Steve: What? NO._

 

Tony: Oh, so you don't put out on the first date, eh? Not before she buys you dinner at least. How far did you let her get? Second base? Do tell. I'll go get some popcorn.

 

_Steve: You're being... kind of crude. Why?_

 

Tony: Dammit, Rogers, do you have any idea who you're talking to? This is not crude, this is downright mannerly. You've yet to see MY crude.

 

Tony: No, seriously, what happened? I mean. You kissed, right. Otherwise it isn't even a date. It's sightseeing. She a good kisser?

 

Tony: Whose tongue went deeper into whose mouth? Because, they say it shows who's going to be more dominant in a relationship.

 

Tony: So, whose?

 

_Steve: She kissed me on the CHEEK, okay!_

 

_Steve: Tony..._

 

Tony: Yes, dear?

 

_Steve: You're being really weird. It's almost like you're being jealous. Why are you acting like this? Did something happen?_

 

 

 

**20 minutes later**

 

Tony: Oh, boy. God, Steve. Yes, I'm being jealous. I'm a jealous person. I'm just like that. Sorry. I'll shut up now.

 

Tony: And of course I'm being jealous. You're my Cathy Earnshaw. I thought that was obvious.

 

_Steve: Why am I Cathy? How am I Cathy? I don't have the hair, the coloring :)_

 

Tony: Well, you certainly can't be Heathcliff in this duo.

 

Tony: You don't have the temperament.

 

_Steve: Well, neither do you._

 

_Steve: And you can't be Heathcliff because you wouldn't kill a dog to prove your... menacing testicularity or whatever._

 

_Steve: I read that at thirteen, by the way. I've hated the bastard ever since._

 

Tony: Oh, I have a little of the temperament. Sans the dog-murdering part, obviously. Shit, I forgot about that completely. Thanks for reminding me though, now I can't stop thinking about it. I was 8 when I read it. All those years of unhealthy suppression, gone to waste.

 

_Steve: No, you DON'T have the temperament. Because you are not a SOCIOPATH._

 

Tony: Someone is taking this way too seriously.

 

_Steve: I realize it's probably not the time to get into this, while you are trying to turn it all into a bunch of jokes._

 

Tony: Prolly not the time, no.

 

_Steve: But I kind of had it with your reverse Midas rhetorics all the time, Tony._

 

Tony: My what?

 

_Steve: The 'I destroy everything I touch' rhetorics._

 

_Steve: 'I'm an asshole. That's just how I am. Find a friend that's not an asshole to talk to.'_

 

_Steve: 'How come you're talking to me, of all people you could talk to?'_

 

_Steve: 'I lose people, that's just what I do.'_

 

_Steve: And I'm honestly sick of it, because you are acting as if it's something out of your control, and it's not, it doesn't have to be._

 

Tony: Wow, this escalated quickly.

 

_Steve: It's not an excuse for everything._

 

Tony: Not an excuse, Steve!

 

_Steve: Just 'I'm fucked up, don't talk to me, I'm going to ruin you'? Oh, come on!_

 

_Steve: You ALWAYS take the responsibility! For everything._

 

_Steve: But you just, you use it as an excuse to sink deeper into self loathing_

 

_Steve: Well, as Sam would say, I call bullshit!_

 

Tony: Not the time

 

_Steve: Sorry, but you don't have to read it._

 

_Steve: I have to say it. If I don't do it now, I never will. And I have to._

 

Tony: okay

 

_Steve: You can't just go on doing that. Not everything in the world is your fault. It's like you can't distinguish what is and what isn't, so you just claim everything._

 

Tony: it devaluates responsibility

 

Tony: get it

 

Tony: but not everything, Steve

 

_Steve: Everything!_

 

_Steve: And I don't know how to put this._

 

_Steve: This means so much to me. That we are talking. I tried to tell you. Tony, I wish we weren't where we are now. With each other. Although it's getting better, at least I think it's getting better. Well, anything's better than radio silence, I suppose. But we're getting somewhere too, I think, maybe._

 

Tony: yes

 

_Steve: But this makes me so angry. I almost hurled the phone against the wall. I don't know if this is really how you see yourself, or if you're just baiting me, although it'd be a really weird way to do it. And I miss you, Tony, and I'm sorry. And I want to not fight with you, somehow. You're important to me! And I talked to Clint, and he's really bummed out too, Tony! And by the way, I talked to him per your advice, because you said I should talk to someone else too. And see, I'm listening, I'm trying too, even if I say no at first; I need time to process things._

 

Tony: clint? really?

 

_Steve: Yes! Because I figured he'd understand, and because he wasn't so involved in the whole thing, and I didn't want someone to pat me on the back and just be compassionate because I'm sad._

 

_Steve: He's so down in the dumps, Tony, and I didn't even know! Even after Laura and the kids got here, which I don't know if you know, but they are here, secret identities and stuff. And it helped, of course, but he's... He didn't want any of this either. He says, how did we get here  from that Shawarma place in Manhattan? And Banner is God knows where, and Thor is gone, probably forever, and the rest of us are in pieces._

_Steve: And being a fugitive, a criminal, it's killing him. It was so important to him, to be on the right side. He used to be a criminal, did you know? Before he somehow got recruited by Shield. I never knew that. And doing the right thing, being straight... it was necessary for him, that was the only way he could be sure he's doing okay. And then Loki happened, and there was Clint, hurting innocent people. He barely bounced back from that. And then the Shield fell through and everything went to hell. But he still had us. Something to hold on to! And after Sokovia, well, it was too much, it was_

 

_Steve: We saved so many people, but we caused the disaster too, and he said he couldn't know what was the right thing to do any longer. He thought that, wherever he tried to turn he'd screw it up. And there was Pietro too, you know, and there was nothing Clint could do. That was the last straw, he said. He says he almost wishes he could have died there instead, but not really, of course not, because of Laura and the littlies; and that kid he and Pietro saved too. But almost._

_Steve: So he didn't know what to do and so he bowed out. He came back just because it was Wanda, and he'd promised Pietro he'd take care of her always, at least in his head he promised. Tony, I think his death really shook him up, you know. And how helpless he was. And now..._

_Steve: He never even got a good look at the Accords. He says, from this perspective he can see both the good sides and bad, and he can't decide, but that it's too late anyway. He's a fugitive. He broke the law. He broke out of prison. He WAS in prison. He says it was the one thing he'd promised himself to never do ever again, and then he did just that, and it's killing him. And he's real bummed out because of you too. Because of what he said. He didn't mean it, Tony. I could see it's haunting him. He didn't mean it like that._

 

Tony: just words

 

 _Steve: Yes, but everything is 'just words', in the end. The ones we say and the ones we_ _don't._

 

_Steve: Hell, why are you reading and responding?? You said it wasn't a good time for you. I didn't mean to bother you now! I thought you'd read it sometime later. I'm sorry. I got carried away!_

 

Tony: go on

 

_Steve: Are you sure?_

 

Tony: yeah

 

_Steve: Okay._

 

_Steve: So, ah, I'm not even sure where I was going with this. But Clint is right. We shouldn't have ended up like this!_

 

Tony: agreed

 

_Steve: We had this one good thing going on, best thing ever, and somehow it all fell through. We weren't strong enough, we weren't good enough to one another, and we're left with nothing. I'm trying. I'm trying to at least be useful. But it still feels like nothing. Just screwing up further. Like nothing can ever be right ever again. And I miss you, and so does Clint, Tony, and Natasha isn't really saying anything, but I can see how she watches the news, with that cool face on, and just sits very still. And it shouldn't be like this. And what we did_

 

_Steve: I'm so sorry._

 

_Steve: What I did, I mean._

 

Tony: no

 

Tony: all of us

 

_Steve: Clint says, we should have been heroes. We should have been the good guys. We defended the Earth, and we would have all died for it happily, all of us, and it was glorious, and it was so good to work together, for a noble goal, fight the good fight and know what we were doing was right, and now everything is just gone to shit, and we can never have it back, and we can never make it right again._

_Steve: or us_

 

_Steve: And I don't know what to do._

 

_Steve: Clint says hi, by the way_

 

_Steve: It shouldn't have been like this._

 

_Steve: And I think I totally went off on a tangent from what I was going to talk about, but maybe this was what I wanted to talk about actually. I guess._

 

Tony: oh, Steve

 

Tony: we'll talk

 

Tony: can't now

 

Tony: crazy here

 

Tony: and I need a little time

 

Tony: god

 

 

**An hour later**

Tony: say hi to clint from me, I guess

 

 

 

**10 minutes after that**

Tony: You're important to me too.


	9. Chapter 9

**Monday, 1 am in Wakanda; (still) Sunday, 6 pm in New York**

_Steve: Tony?_

 

 

 

**Monday, around 3 am in Wakanda; Sunday, 8 pm in New York**

  
 

_[Steve is sending a picture]_

 

Tony: Rogers???

 

Tony: Is this a close-up of your leg?

 

_Steve: Arm._

 

Tony: Only, as a thumbnail it almost looked like...

 

_Steve: I had you going for a second there, didn't I?_

 

Tony: Rogers, you're such a troll. Did you know that? And here I was hoping, for a sec.

 

Tony: You're funny. I forgot you could be funny.

 

_Steve: So glad to hear you liked my arm._

 

_Steve: So I got the coloring book you sent me the other day. I didn't even know there were coloring books for adults. I'm trying it out. It's very soothing._

 

_Steve: Thank you._

 

_Steve: Have you tried it? You should try it._

 

 

 

**20 minutes later**

 

Tony: Glad you liked it.

 

_Steve: But have you tried it? It's really calming._

 

Tony: Yes, yes I did.

 

Tony: It kept me awake until 4 in the morning. I couldn't go to sleep until I FINISHED the fucking page. It was HORRIBLE.

 

_Steve: Funny! Snap me a pic of what you did? I'd love to see it._

 

Tony: no

 

_Steve: Oh come on! Please?_

 

Tony: Oh, good God. [Tony is sending a picture]

 

_Steve: That's very... meticulous._

 

Tony: I showed you mine, now you show me yours.

 

_[Steve is sending a picture]_

 

Tony: See, you know what you're doing there. With the light and shading and all. You make it look like a painting, almost.

 

_Steve: Yours looks almost like a blueprint :)_

 

Tony: I'm not so good with crayons.

 

Tony: I once broke down because I broke a crayon, did you know? Such a weird situation. Like, you push through shit, and then you break a crayon aaand you're like 'I can't do anything right, mwaaaa'.

 

Tony: Please don't comment.

 

Tony: So, a change of topic, kinda.

 

_Steve: If you want._

 

Tony: Any progress with real drawing? Have you tried at all?

 

_Steve: I would. But I just don't know what to draw. There's nothing I want to draw._

 

Tony: But you want to, in general?

 

_Steve: Kind of. Maybe._

 

Tony: Maybe you should just try drawing something that's close to your heart.

 

_Steve: I guess._

 

**Monday, 4:30 am in Wakanda; Sunday, 9:30 pm in New York (still the same endless day)**

 

_Steve: I know you need time, but if you ever want to, you know, talk about... what I said. Please do. I mean_

_Steve: You don't have to._

 

 

 

**Monday, 3 pm in Wakanda; 8 am in New York**

 

_Steve: You know what? I hated the date. It was horrible._

 

Tony: You went on the second date?? Like, what, breakfast?

 

_Steve: No, the first one. Yesterday._

 

Tony: Didn't you say you had a good time?

 

Tony: Are you going MIA on me?

 

_Steve: I was gone for two minutes._

 

Tony: Didn't you have a good time, though? You said you laughed a lot.

 

_Steve: Just a little, actually. And it was really uncomfortable._

 

Tony: Awkward-laughing?

 

_Steve: Yes._

 

_Steve: Awkward-everything._

 

_Steve: And I ran into her today, in the corridor. And it was so awkward that I asked her out again because I didn't know what else to say. What do I do now?_

 

Tony: What did she say?

 

_Steve: She's busy this weekend, she's going home to visit her mom. She'll give me a call when she has time._

 

Tony: So, it all turned out okay. You're safe.

 

_Steve: But what if we have to go out again?_

 

Tony: You won't.

 

_Steve: How do you know?_

 

Tony: Trust me, you won't.

 

_Steve: But what if she calls?_

 

Tony: Christ, Steve, she WON'T. She just let you down gently. Relax.

 

_Steve: You think?_

 

Tony: YES.

 

Tony: I actually thought you kind of liked her. So this comes as a surprise.

 

_Steve: I thought_

 

_Steve: I just thought maybe it would be good to just..._

 

Tony: Get laid?

 

_Steve: NO! To talk to someone new. But then I didn't want to. I just didn't. Couldn't._

 

_Steve: Although she really was_

 

Tony: Nice?

 

_Steve: She really was!_

 

Tony: Maybe you just don't go for nice.

 

 

 

**Monday, 5 pm in Wakanda; 10 am in New York**

  **  
**

_Steve: Okay. You probably don't want to talk about this. But I'm watching your press conference on Youtube. Again. I don't think you were supposed to say all that._

 

_Steve: I didn't know that was how you felt. I_

 

_Steve: I don't know what to say._

 

Tony: That's precisely why I'm good at these press events and you aren't.

 

Tony: Wait, it's on Youtube?

 

Tony: But of COURSE it is.

 

_Steve: Here's the [link]_

 

_Steve: You didn't have to say all that, Tony._

 

Tony: I said exactly what I wanted to say, for once.

 

_Steve: Aren't you going to get in trouble for it?_

 

Tony: Get in trouble. Really.

 

Tony: I'm not six.

 

Tony: The world can suck my dick.

 

Tony: They can queue up. Leave me alone now, I'm busy.

 

 

 

**Tuesday, 1 am in Wakanda; Monday 6 pm in New York**

 

_Steve: So I just put two and two together._

_Steve: I'm looking at the time in the video. And subtracting hours because of time zones._

_Steve: And you're dictating all along, aren't you. You're talking to me. It's the sunglasses right? You've got Friday in your sunglasses. Right? You're reading my rubbish all along, and why didn't you tell me you were in the middle of  the press conference, god dammit, Tony? I'm an idiot. I thought it wasn't until later in the day! I wouldn't have bothered you._

Tony: Not rubbish. And you weren't bothering me.

 

_Steve: I upset you! I shouldn't have. Not right then, at least! You seemed really upset._

_Steve: Couldn't you have blocked my ranting somehow? Kept it for reading later?_

Tony: You weren't ranting. Stop.

_Steve: And you look... Are you sleeping at all?_

 

Tony: Are YOU?

 

***

 

**[Excerpt from the full transcript of the press conference, Sunday, August 21st 2016]**

 

BACHMAN: ...so with this I give the floor to Mr. Tony Stark, the CEO of Stark Industries, the most famous weapon and technology company in the U.S. of A., an Avenger, and our own Iron Man. Mr. Stark?

 

STARK: [mutters inaudibly to himself]

 

BACHMAN: Mr. Stark?

 

STARK: Oh, sorry. Not a weapon company any longer, please. You can access our mission statement on our official site. It's very informative. In case you've lived under a rock on the other side of the galaxy for the past ten years, that is.

 

AUDIENCE: [laughter]

 

STARK: What? I wasn't even joking.

 

AUDIENCE: [laughter]

 

BACHMAN: I apologize.

 

STARK: Thank you.

 

STARK: So, this is... I am really happy to be here with all of you today. Thank you for showing up in such large numbers.

 

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE: Is it true that you are keeping Steve Rogers in a high security prison?

 

STARK: [startled] What? _No._

 

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE: Why ever not? [laughter]

 

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE: Don't you think he deserves to rot?

 

STARK: I will not be taking any questions today, so I ask you for a bit of silence. Thank you.

 

STARK: [mutters inaudibly to himself]

 

STARK: Huh. [glances at the his notes] Ladies and gentlemen... and Mr. Bachman...[laughter in the audience]... We all heard what happened in Madripoor. We all saw the news. I am not here to talk to you about that. I am here today to tell you what _didn't_ happen in Madripoor. What didn't happen was, the Avengers didn't interfere. What didn't happen was, the Avengers didn't enter another sovereign country without an explicit permission from the said country [mutters indistinguishably]. What didn't happen was... [quietly: who wrote this shit anyway?]

 

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE: Barton's face was caught on camera!

 

STARK: [apparently swears under his breath]

 

STARK: It's not even clearly visible!

 

BACHMAN: We cannot comment on this!

 

STARK: Shall we continue? Shall I continue? Thank you. Quiet, please. Thank you.

 

STARK: What didn't happen was... [glances at his notes] The real Avengers are law abiding American citizens that... [studies his notes, frowning] We cannot take responsibility for the action of anyone that has renounced this country and... its values... [mutters to himself for a moment] Okay...

 

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE: Do you still consider these international criminals your friends?

 

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE: They destroyed Lagos!

 

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE: Are you in contact with them?

 

STARK: [looking at the audience, frowning for a moment] Kostolitz?

 

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE (KOSTOLITZ?): Could the battle of New York have been avoided if not for the interference of the former Avengers? We know what you did, Tony, it was heroic. But what about the others?

 

STARK: No, I didn't mean... I just recognized you.

 

KOSTOLITZ: [speaking over Stark] Can you draw parallels between destruction in New York, destruction in Lagos and destruction in Madripoor?

 

STARK: No. No, I cannot because there can absolutely be no comparison. Because, see...

 

BACHMAN: We are not taking any questions!

 

STARK: Oh, shut _up_!

 

STARK: [mutters inaudibly]

 

STARK: [walks around the lectern] I'll strike you a deal, okay? [to Bachman] Shut _up_ , I said. [to the audience] I'll strike you a deal. You listen to what I _really_ have to say [crumples the notes in his hand], _me_ , and later on maybe I'll let you ask me a few. Okay, so let's do this. [sits on the edge of the stage, leaning against the lectern, feet dangling] There, that's way comfier.

 

STARK: [directly to Kostolitz] You weren't there when New York took place, right? I know you're a Nebraska boy. And you're young. But I'm sure there are many people here who _were_ here. There are many people who know how it was, who lived through it, and almost died. Maybe they even reported from the spot. We all do our jobs best we can. You, I seem to remember you. What's your name.

 

A WOMAN: Leigh Orry.

 

STARK: Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.

 

A WOMAN (ORRY): I was there.

 

STARK: I know. I... There were many people who looked up, at a _hole_ ripped up in the _sky_ , with an alien army rushing through. No, we didn't invite them in. No, we didn't somehow attract them. We weren't even a team back then, we barely knew each other. We came together because we were needed, and because there wasn't anyone else. Two scientists, a soldier, two government agents... We... [mutters to self] Listen, the Avengers, the present and former Avengers, we always... We fought for _you_. Always for you. Not for power, not because we like to fight. We don't. We like to watch TV and eat pizza, just like everyone [laughter]. Except for Bruce Banner, who mostly just drinks green tea and meditates all day long.

 

SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE: Is Hulk being detained somewhere?

 

STARK: No. Not as far as I know. God, I hope not. I miss him. I wish he'd come back.

 

STARK: The truth is... we fuck up too. Just like everyone else. But our fuckups are more global and more visible and with much worse consequences. Lethal consequences. You're going to have to beep this out, right? Sorry about that. Anyway... We try to make right. We _try_. And personally, I firmly believe in democracy, and in sovereignty, and in the freedom of choice. This is not to say the others do not. They... I cannot speak for them, really. But what I can _guarantee_ you, what I can _swear_ to you, each one of you, is that... that Steve... that Steve Rogers and the others are trying to act in the best interest of the common people too. To protect the little man. The weak and the helpless. Never out of desire for power. Never for politics. Just to... to prevent a greater evil. As they see it. And they usually _do_ see it. And I may not agree with their methods. I don't. I _really_ don't. And they may not agree with mine. God knows, you all saw choice cuts of our disagreements on TV. But these guys are not... they do not deserve to be vilified like this. Crucified like this. We all did wrong. And I think it's, I believe with all my heart it's your right to ask questions, and all of us, we should always question authority, and we should, we should take responsibility, yes. But we should also keep all the facts in mind. These guys are not villains, and you know it, or you should. Some of them are your own veterans. Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson. Decorated war heroes. Sam was pararescue, for God's sake, saving people was his day job even before he joined the Avengers! You know who they are, you _know_ them. They stood up for you, they fought for you, over and over again. How could you forget that so fast? And they are... they are _good_ people, all of them. Probably better than me. As people, I mean. I'm just more handsome and charming, so you like me better.

 

[laughter]

 

STARK: And if the Earth is ever in a global danger again, our present disagreements aside... If Earth is ever endangered again, I promise you we will come together, to your defense, for your protection, and we will do our best, and die if need be, and do whatever is necessary to keep you safe if we can. And it sounds far fetched now, because we are human, we forget. New York was just four years ago. But we forget and we deny, it's... it's how we work, right? Otherwise we'd all go crazy and run for the hills. Never dare to look out the window ever again. I have PTSD, did you know? We try to forget, and we move forward, and we look into the future, and hope. We, as a nation, as a species, we still send probes into space. We still look up and see, not the scary hole in the sky, but a thousand, a million shining stars, and maybe other planets, and maybe other options, a vast, galactic expanse of options; and we still get excited about the future. Why? Because being scared is no fun. Because we need to survive and move on.

 

STARK: But let's just... Let's try not to _forget_. We _need_ our memories, we _need_ our past, to build our future on. Let a part of us remember what happened, and how, and who were the _people_ that stepped up when they were needed. Every time. And will do it again. I'm sure of it. I can promise you that. I _do_ promise you that. Thank you. Thank you for listening.

 

 

 

**Tuesday, 2 am in Wakanda; Monday 7 pm in New York**

 

_Steve: It's so... You CONVINCED them. They believed you. It's the press, they can tear people apart in seconds. You had them eating out of your hand by the end._

 

Tony: People will instinctively know honesty, mostly. You just need to stand there and open a vein.

 

_Steve: It was so moving._

_Steve: Tony._

_Steve: Thank you. Thanks for standing up for us. You didn't have to do that. But I... I'm scared of the consequences, for you. How bad is it? I know you were balancing and juggling before. Playing political games, I guess? But that was possible because Ross and the others didn't know how you felt, right?_

Tony: It's under control.

 

Tony: And how I feel is a whole different matter. A very MIXED matter. Don't get carried away.

 

_Steve: But what's going to happen now? What IS happening?_

 

 

 

**Tuesday, 3 am in Wakanda; Monday 8 pm in New York**

 

_Steve: Tony?_

 

 

 

**Half an hour later**

 

_Steve: Have you seen the reactions on the internet? Natasha showed me Twitter._

 

Tony: No.

**Another hour later**

 

_Steve: Tony. Please start talking to me again._

 

Tony: I am talking to you.

 

_Steve: Not for real._

 

Tony: Go to sleep.

 

Tony: God, Steve.

 

Tony: Hell, Steve.

 

Tony: I can't do this right now.

 

Tony: Tomorrow. Please.

 

Tony: Okay?

 

_Steve: Okay._

 

_Steve: Of course it's okay._

 

_Steve: Are you going to sleep for a bit?_

 

Tony: I'll try.

 

_Steve: Okay. Okay then._

 

_Steve: Sleep tight._

 

Tony: Thanks, buddy.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I'm aware I keep adding to the planned number of chapters, but the fic's getting longer than I thought. It's near the end, though, I promise.

**Tuesday, 5 pm in Wakanda; Monday 10 am in New York**

_Steve: How are you doing today?_

 

 

 

**Tuesday, 11 pm in Wakanda; Monday 4 pm in New York**

 

_Steve: Hey?_

 

 

 

**Thursday**

_Steve: :'(_

 

**Thursday, an hour later**

 

Tony: Is everything about you enhanced?

 

_Steve: I was OVERJOYED to hear the stupid text message sound, do you know? But I really think the dick pic joke has run its course now._

 

_Steve: How are you, Tony?_

 

Tony: I was actually wondering about depression and enhancement. How you have way higher pain threshold than a regular person, which is, I suspect, due to some sort of serotonin inhibition process. Which then factors in with your depression (low levels of serotonin, I mean, or a lack of serotonin receptors, whichever; that'll augment depression, basically).

 

Tony: And I'm wondering if you, you know, feel the effects of depression more intensely than an unenhanced person would. Your selective sensory enhancement and all that. What does it entail?

 

_Steve: I'm not sure._

 

_Steve: Are you sitting there worrying about me?_

 

Tony: Constantly.

 

_Steve: I'm not even sure if you're being sarcastic or not._

 

_Steve: I don't think you can measure how much someone is feeling the depression. I mean, it's just like with normal pain. The same induced level of pain hurts different people a different amount._

 

Tony: I know, I'm not an idiot. I was just wondering.

 

Tony: Want me to send you barf?

 

_Steve: I  saw the vid. The September Foundation one._

 

Tony: You stalking me online?

 

_Steve: Maybe a bit. When you're ignoring me here._

 

Tony: Fair enough. Want it?

 

_Steve: It changes one's memories._

 

Tony: It makes your memories hurt less.

 

_Steve: I need my memories to hurt. They're what brought me here, made me who I am now. So, let them hurt. I'm not going to erase anything that happened._

 

Tony: Oh boy.

 

Tony: That's not how it works.

 

Tony: Okay.

 

 

**Thursday, a lot later**

 

Tony: Best of intentions and all that, btw.

 

_Steve: I know. I know that, Tony. Thank you._

 

 

 

**Friday**

_Steve: I'm sitting here, feeling like I screwed up everything again and we're back to square one._

_Steve: I mean, I rationally know it must be at least a little better than that._

_Steve: But tell that to my brain._

 

 

**Saturday**

Tony: So I made a ton of baba ghanoush, and now I don't know what to do with it?

 

Tony: I don't even like it all that much.

 

_Steve: I'm googling it. Eggplant? Really?_

 

Tony: Yeah.

 

Tony: It's pretty to look at, though. Eggplant. Like a perfect, shiny, purple pear.

 

Tony: Otherwise known for tasting like sponge.

 

_Steve: A bitter sponge._

 

Tony: At best.

 

Tony: I kinda like bitter, though.

 

_Steve: What's going on? How are you doing?_

 

_Steve: Although, if you're cooking, that's probably not a good sign._

 

 

 

**Saturday afternoon**

_Steve: Oh, come on!_

 

 

 

**Sunday**

 

_Steve: Is this about what I said? About you shouldering all the blame and always saying the worst things about yourself and thinking you ruin everything?_

 

Tony: The reverse Midas.

 

_Steve: Is that what you're mad about?_

 

_Steve: I really thought we were getting to a place where I could tell you such things. Listen, I thought I HAD to. But probably shouldn't have done it when I was angry. I wouldn't have said it otherwise, though. Whenever we are having a good conversation and we're not fighting, I'm loath to disturb the peace._

 

Tony: We were not fighting at the moment, we were kidding around.

 

_Steve: Apparently I was fighting?_

 

_Steve: For some reason._

 

_Steve: But it REALLY gets me angry, Tony. Because I don't think you should think like that. I think it's harmful. And I think you should know better than that._

 

_Steve: You handle a lot of things while I still flounder around trying to somehow deal with them – the depression, the anxiety, the nightmares. You seem to have them weirdly under control. And then that thing surfaces and you just... You start saying all that crap. I don't know how I'm supposed to react to that. Just pretend I didn't hear it? Or, or, you want me to tell you 'no no no, that's not true, you're not like that'? And, by the way, I DID tell you that. But you_

_Steve: Never mind._

 

Tony: You getting angry again?

 

_Steve: Sorry._

 

Tony: No, I just figured you were.

 

Tony: You are probably right about all of it.

 

Tony: No, screw that, you ARE right.

 

_Steve: So what are you going to do about it?_

 

Tony: Whoa there, stallion.

 

Tony: I just acknowledged you were right. Can't we appreciate that for a moment?

 

Tony: You are thinking 'you and your stupid jokes' right now, aren't you?

 

Tony: Aren't you???

 

_Steve: Maybe a bit :)_

 

Tony: You and your cutesy emoticons, ffs.

 

Tony: Jesus fuck, Steve, I'm not mad at you. Actually, I don't know what I am at you. Something, I guess. But I'm definitely not mad because you pointed this out. It was just, too many things happening at once.

 

Tony: In my head and outside of it.

 

Tony: I'm still reeling with a ton of different shit coursing through my brain, and half of it I didn't even know was there.

 

Tony: And I SHOULD have known. It's MY fucking brain.

 

Tony: Is it sick that I find it kinda heartwarming that you get angry at me for what you perceive as my self-harmful behavior?

 

_Steve: I'm not sure. Probably._

 

_Steve: I had to read that sentence twice through to figure out what you even meant._

 

_Steve: Maybe I can find something else heartwarming to do :)_

 

 

**Sunday, later**

_Steve: Apparently I said the wrong thing again._

 

_Steve: Somehow._

 

 

 

**Monday**

_Steve: Tony, I can't_

 

_Steve: I at least try to reply when YOU'RE going crazy._

 

 

**Still Monday**

_Steve: If you're doing this deliberately, by the way, it's working great._

 

 

**Half an hour later**

Tony: I'M NOT GIVING YOU SILENT TREATMENT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, ROGERS!

 

Tony: Get your head out of your ass!

 

Tony: There are other things going on in the world besides from you.

 

 

 

**Monday, later at night**

_Steve: What's going on?_

 

 

**Tuesday**

_Steve: O, come on!_

 

 

**Wednesday**

_Steve: Going on a mission now._

 

_Steve: May be some time._

 

 

**45 minutes later**

Tony: Are you fucking quoting fucking Lawrence Oates at me?

 

Tony: How dare you??

 

Tony: You signed off already, didn't you.

 

Tony: I really hate you.

 

Tony: God, how much I hate you.

 

 

**10 minutes after that**

Tony: I don't hate you.

 

Tony: You drive me crazy, Rogers, you drive me insane sometimes, but I really, really, really don't hate you.

 

**20 minutes later**

 

Tony: At all.

 

 

**Still Wednesday**

Tony: Just let me know if you get back okay.

 

 

 

**Wednesday, sometime at night**

_Steve: I'm back fine._

 

Tony: Thanks for letting me know.

 

Tony: The others?

 

_Steve: ok_

 

Tony: How was it?

 

**Friday**

Tony: I made some kind of lentil soup. With turmeric. Not half so bad. Not ideal for breakfast, though.

 

 

**Friday noon NY, 7 pm in Wakanda**

Tony: So, when did you send me the drawing?

 

Tony:  I'm guessing before all of this somehow went to hell in a helicopter.

 

Tony: Or helicarrier. Does helicarrier sound better?

 

Tony: The artwork's really good.

 

Tony: I mean, it's depressing as all hell, but it's really good.

 

Tony: Why do we fall apart this easily, Steve?

 

Tony: Does it always have to be like that? With us? Always locking horns, no matter how much we try?

 

Tony: Did you always see us like this?

 

Tony: I really like the technique you used and what you did with it. I mean, white chalk and charcoal, they are stark by definition (pardon the pun), but sanguine, sanguine is supposed to make things warm and bright. But somehow it doesn't. It sets off the other two instead, but it's more than simply the contrast. And somehow, the color scheme just makes it feel... never-ending.

 

Tony: The battle between you and me, I mean.

 

Tony: And for all the snow about us, we look like we're about to drown.

 

 

**Ten minutes later**

 

_Steve: Oh, Tony._

 

 

**Friday 3 pm NY, 10 pm in Wakanda**

 

Tony: I want to cry.

 

Tony: Can I reset this? I want to reset all this.

 

_Steve: How do you mean?_

 

Tony: I want to have normal convos again?

 

_Steve: Okay._

 

Tony: Yeah?

 

_Steve: Yeah._

 

_Steve: Please don't cry._

 

_Steve: If you cry, I'll cry._

 

_Steve: And I don't even have the energy to._

 

Tony: Yeah, me neither.

 

_Steve: I need to talk to you._

 

Tony: shoot

 

_Steve: No, I mean I hate not talking to you._

 

Tony: God, me too.

 

Tony: I don't know when this happened.

 

Tony: But me too.

 

_Steve: I was being a dick._

 

Tony: And once again: me too.

 

Tony: Look, things happened. Ross has me followed. Everything around here is tapped, except for the important and not-so-obvious communication methods (I mean, don't worry, everything's scrambled, my infosec is state of the art). I made Rhodey go to a French spa so that he wouldn't have to be a part of this. He's going to be majorly pissed when he finds out what's going on.

 

Tony: Also, Pepper was taken in for questioning.

 

_Steve: WHAT?_

 

Tony: Yeah. I mean, it's okay now. I sicced my legal team on them. They can suck my big legal dick. She was obviously let go.

 

_Steve: But what happened?_

 

Tony: I'm not sure. What I know – I intercepted some of their communications, see, so I reconstructed this part, but I suspect they mostly discussed it in person. In any case, I know they thought Pep and I weren't talking. I mean, until very recently we weren't either. But their info was that we weren't in contact, and that she wasn't a part of the SI any longer (which is, obviously, a known fact). So I suspect they either wanted to really pump her for any info about you and the guys in case she happened to know anything from before, like safe houses and such, or anything at all compromising about me besides from what's common knowledge.

 

Tony: Oh yeah, and they probably thought she'd volunteer info on me. Since we aren't together any longer. Because apparently that means we are enemies now and have to hate each other, inevitably.

 

Tony: God, I hate people.

 

Tony: My other pet theory was that they thought to pressure and blackmail me through Pepper. Since, er, I may have semi-publicly bemoaned the fact that she's seeing someone new, some time ago. In my defense (or not), I was drunk. Not the best decision making process in the world, but it is what it is.

 

_Steve: Is Pepper all right?_

 

Tony: Yeah.

 

Tony: Pep's tough.

 

Tony: I'm going to kill someone over this, but she's really okay.

 

Tony: Also, there was nothing she could tell them even had she wanted to, which she didn't, obviously. She wouldn't have, even if we hadn't smoothed things over recently.

 

Tony: And I suspect they imagined Pepper would refuse the help of my lawyers even if I decided to send those bad fuckers in. And then they'd hold her and blackmail me, I'm thinking.

 

Tony: Well, tough luck, shitheads.

 

_Steve: You still sound really worked up._

 

Tony: I'm furious. But that's all.

 

_Steve: Is everything really okay?_

 

Tony: More or less. For the time being. I'll deal on the go. Don't worry.

 

_Steve: Could you update me as to what's going on with you?_

 

Tony: This thing that I'm doing right now – what does it look like?

 

_Steve: WHILE it's happening._

 

_Steve: Christ, Tony. I hate being stuck here. I don't know if I should watch the news to see what you do next or if I should come break you out from the Raft._

 

Tony: Would you?

 

_Steve: Yes._

 

Tony: That's kinda good to know. Just in case.

 

_Steve: Any chance of that happening?_

 

Tony: Nah. Don't think so, at least. Okay. So, I promise to talk to you more in future, if you'll give me something in return, how's that?

 

_Steve: Don't say a dick pic, don't say a dick pic._

 

_Steve: It's getting really old._

 

Tony: You do realize you're the one who's been perpetuating the dick jokes for the past XY days?

 

Tony: It's all you, baby.

 

Tony: What does that tell us, then? Hm?

 

Tony: Okay, letting that go.

 

Tony: Listen, I want the coordinates. Of where you go. Next time you are on a mission. ALL the next times.

 

Tony: Because what I want is to know whether I should be hacking into traffic cameras and running face recognition sw, running rescue or... (sorry, the puns aren't working for me today, but you get the gist). I want to be able to help if shit really hits the fan.

 

Tony: You know I'm not going to interfere otherwise.

 

_Steve: I know you signed a paper that forbids you to._

 

Tony: Oooh, scathing.

 

_Steve: To be fair, I also know you flew to Russia without authorization when you figured I needed you. But this is probably not the best tine to go into that._

 

_Steve: Are you and Pepper back together?_

 

Tony: Hey, a  good change of topic, good.

 

Tony: I think I just told you she was seeing someone else.

 

_Steve: So, that's a no?_

 

Tony: That's a hard no.

 

Tony: So, my coordinates for your running commentary? Do we have deal?

 

_Steve: I'd honestly like that, but is it prudent?_

 

_Steve: And who is the 'they' that took Pepper, by the way? Everett Ross?_

 

Tony: Both Rosses are in communication over this, as far as I've been able to discern from what I got. And a number of their satellites, minions, cronies and the like. Do you want names? I can give you names.

 

Tony: What do you mean 'is it prudent'?

 

_Steve: What if they crack your encryption?_

 

Tony: Have some faith.

 

_Steve: No, I know. But you never know._

 

Tony: Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. You are probably right. Let me think about it for a sec.

 

Tony: Do you have a handler? I mean, who are you consulting with about the missions, who gets you information?

 

Tony: I mean, who, Carter? Fury?

 

Tony: Hill??

 

Tony: Not T'Challa if he's got any brains (which I know he does).

 

Tony: Again, okay, maybe it's better if you don't tell me who it is, in case I get pulled in too. But you could have your handler contact me somehow in case something goes to hell, okay?

 

_Steve: That actually sounds good. Thank you, Tony. It's good to know you got our back._

 

Tony: If you were any stiffer about it, you could double as an ironing board.

 

Tony: But thanks.

 

Tony: And I still don't approve of what you are doing.

 

_Steve: Yes, you said so at the conference._

 

Tony: But I'm scared for you.

 

_Steve: I know. I know that. I really do. Oh God, Tony. Why does everything has to be so complicated?_

 

 _Steve: And I think that right now you're probably in a more dangerous position than we_ _are._

 

Tony: So what was your mission? Haven't got the wind of anything.

 

_Steve: As long as you don't hear anything, it means we did good :)_

 

_Steve: Cleanup after Madripoor, basically. A leftover Hydra cell. They were supposed to be on the spot, but, for better or worse, they weren't._

_Steve: Because, believe it or not, they all got the trots._

 

Tony: Oh, man! Funny!

 

Tony: Poor little Nazis, stuck in toilet cubicles for hours.

 

Tony: I haven't laughed like this in ages.

 

_Steve: Glad you're having fun._

 

Tony: You got the bastards sorted, though?

 

_Steve: We got the bastards sorted._

 

_Steve: So, how come Pepper and you started talking again?_

 

Tony: She heard about Madripoor on TV, figured I'd be a wreck over it, called to ask me if I was okay.

 

Tony: Pepper's like that.

 

Tony: Okay, in all honesty, she also wanted to check if I was involved and to yell at me about it.

 

Tony: Maybe in time we'll even be able to be friends again for real. The yelling isn't helping, but maybe we gotta go through that phase. In any case, yeah, man was I happy to just hear her voice.

 

_Steve: I'm glad for you._

 

_Steve: I'm afraid you'll end up hurt. Again. But I'm glad for you._

 

Tony: I kind of have to go now, but it's not an emergency or anything. So talk to you later. Cool?

 

_Steve: Take care, Tony._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Going on a mission now. May be some time'  
> 'Are you fucking quoting fucking Lawrence Oates at me?'   
> This is in reference to the famous last words of Captain Lawrence Oates, an Antarctic explorer, who said "I am just going outside and may be some time" before going out to die. I figure this is famous enough, but in case it's more of a culturally specific thing than I thought, there:)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where emotional constipation pretty much turns into emotional diarrhea...

**Saturday 1 am NY, 8 am in Wakanda**

 

Tony: But, I mean.

 

Tony: 'May be some time', for fuck's sake. You're such a drama queen. I can't believe you sometimes.

 

Tony: Also, I'm really sorry for being an asshole to you on Monday. AGAIN. AND for not talking to you.

 

_Steve: I didn't mean for it to sound that dramatic._

 

Tony: Didn't you, though?

 

_Steve: Well, maybe a bit?_

 

Tony: Hey, as long as you own up.

 

Tony: Steve.

 

_Steve: Hm?_

 

Tony: Steve, when I lash out at you like I did on Monday, which I promised not to do, but I still do it

 

_Steve: I'll live._

 

Tony: See, you're still pissed, but I guess that's okay. Look, when I lash out at you like that, I don't want to hurt you. I mean, that's not what I want, that's not my intention.

 

_Steve: Oh, bullshit. I mean, I understand you, but still, bullshit._

 

Tony: Okay, yeah, it probably is.

 

Tony: It is. But that wish lasts like two seconds.

 

_Steve: Look, don't worry about it. Seriously._

 

_Steve: I don't want you to worry about it. You should get some sleep._

 

Tony: I can't sleep, ffs. As if you don't know me.

 

_Steve: So what are you doing then?_

 

Tony: Absolutely nothing.

 

Tony: Up until two minutes ago, I was lying here, figuring if I should call you or not.

 

_Steve: REALLY??_

 

Tony: Yep.

 

_Steve: Oh, do call me!!_

Tony:  The encryption's better when it's just texts. Safety and all that crap. Sry

 

Tony: But, as I was saying, when I lash out, two seconds later I already don't want to hurt  you any more. I don't want to have hurt you. I hate myself for having done it. I just wanted to tell you that, so that you'd know.

 

_Steve: I know._

 

_Steve: I sometimes think no one can hurt me like you can._

 

Tony: Oh yes, the world's funny like that, isn't it.

 

_Steve: I thought you were going to say 'Karma's a bitch, Rogers'._

 

Tony: That predictable, eh? I almost did.

 

Tony: Look, I'm actually trying to be less of a dick to you, I hope you appreciate that.

 

Tony: I really don't want to fight either.

 

_Steve: I know._

 

Tony: I wish I could see you. I mean, I'm thinking we'd probably just yell at each other until we dropped dead from exhaustion, but still. I wouldn't mind. I somehow think that, if I could see you in person, just... Maybe there would be fewer misunderstandings.

 

_Steve: I want to see you too!!!!!!!!_

 

Tony: Did you butt-type all the exclamation points or was that on purpose?

 

Tony: Oh, forget I said that, will you.

 

Tony: Or, not misunderstandings. Ignoring each other. The fact that it's always a bad moment. My moods. Everything. Like, two weeks ago, I figured texting was perfect, because at least we couldn't gouge each other's eyes out. But now I'm thinking if we could just talk in person everything would somehow be okay.

 

 _Steve: It probably wouldn't. Probably nothing would be okay. But I don't care. I wish we_ _could do it._

 

_Steve: I don't care if we'd yell._

 

_Steve: Jesus, a few days ago I had a dream, Siberia again._

 

Tony: Bad?

 

_Steve: Oh, God._

 

Tony: What was it?

 

_Steve: Broke you in half, and saw that it was actually me inside the armor, instead._

 

Tony: Oooh, symbolic!

 

Tony: Screw that, Steve. No one's broken. We'll figure things out.

 

_Steve: Tony, what I wanted to say is, your lashing out is not the problem. It's not about that. You're doing it because you're still angry with me. Which I really, really understand. But that's the point. All this... I mean, I made my bed years ago, I know that. By not telling you about the assassination of your parents. God, I kept telling myself it was better that way. I didn't know... You never even talked about it, never even mentioned them. It all happened so long ago. I thought it better not to drag it up; figured you'd just be in pain all over again. And it was in the past. Nothing could change it._

 

Tony: I know you are not being patronizing on purpose, I know, I KNOW. Hell, Steve. I'm trying.

 

_Steve: I just wanted to explain._

 

Tony: You thought I was somehow over it.

 

Tony: You didn't want to inflict unnecessary pain.

 

Tony: I get it.

 

Tony: But I don't think you ever get over it. The death of your parents.

 

 _Steve: It's been 25 years. I thought... I mean, my mom died 13 years ago, my time. And saying_ _I'm_ _'over it', that sounds so ugly. But I've accepted it in a way, I think._

 

Tony: Of course you had to be the more mature one about it, eh.

 

_Steve: Maybe you somehow knew there was something fishy about it. Maybe you_

 

Tony: Maybe I was simply unable to digest the fucking facts so I did everything else instead. I tend to be adult like that, you see.

 

Tony: I can't believe I'm talking to you about this, but I'm actually not so unhappy about it.

 

_Steve: Yeah. Must be the lack of sleep's getting to you finally :)_

 

_Steve: But when I saw that BARF vid, what you showed at the September Foundation thing. Tony. You never stopped agonizing about all that, did you?_

 

_Steve: And if I'd known, I'd have told you, I swear._

 

Tony: But that's not the point.

 

_Steve: No, the point is that it wasn't my decision to make._

 

Tony: That, on the other hand, IS the point.

 

_Steve: I should have told you. That was the crux of what went wrong._

 

Tony: One of the cruxes let's say.

 

_Steve: As for the rest of it... The team. The Accords. All of that._

 

Tony: Looking back at it now? For the most part, a mess of unfortunate circumstances slapped together, and no one really talking to anyone else.

 

Tony: To be fair, I tried.

 

_Steve: I know._

 

_Steve: Oh, Tony._

 

_Steve: Peggy had just died. It was... It threw me._

 

Tony: It devastated you.

 

_Steve:  She was my next to last. Friend. From the old times._

 

Tony: Barnes.

 

_Steve: Oh, God. It's not fair to talk to you about this, is it?_

 

_Steve: But I want to tell you? I want to_

 

Tony: Tell me.

 

Tony: I want to hear.

 

Tony: I want to know.

 

_Steve: No one was left. God, Tony, no one. You can't_

 

Tony: You still have friends.

 

Tony: Steve? You seem like you're falling apart. Are you falling apart? Don't fall apart.

 

Tony: I’m not trying to be insensitive here, I’m just saying, it’s okay to grieve, but I’m saying she didn’t leave you ALONE, yeah?

 

Tony: I’m not doing so great with saying what I mean right now.

 

_Steve: but I thought maybe you’d come. To the funeral._

 

Tony: I had to deflect the PR crisis that was Lagos and to put out the political fire. No one else was doing it!

 

_Steve: I know. I'm not_

 

_Steve: Sorry._

 

Tony: Steve.

 

Tony: Christ, don't apologize, for fuck's sake. Not for that.

 

Tony: I didn't mean to be so harsh.

 

Tony: But you had Nat there, and Sam.

 

Tony: You were way closer with them than with me, by that point.

 

Tony: I thought you were going to be okay. I really didn’t think me being there would matter any to you.

 

_Steve: Still I thought maybe you would come._

 

_Steve: It would have mattered to me._

 

_Steve: Oh God, it sounds like I'm holding it against you somehow._

 

_Steve: It's not that._

 

_Steve: Please understand me! Please!_

 

Tony: Okay, buddy, okay okay.

 

Tony: You just wanted me there.

 

Tony: I get it.

 

_Steve: yeah_

 

Tony: Yeah.

 

Tony: Christ, Steve you have to tell me those things. I’m not best at reading cues. If you ever need me, just tell me. Even if we are at odds. Even if we're not speaking. I’ll come.

 

_Steve: Like you started talking to me again when I really needed it._

 

_Steve: Like you came to Siberia._

 

Tony: I really had best intentions, coming there.

 

_Steve: I KNOW_

 

 _Steve: That’s exactly what I’m saying! You came there to help me, despite what_ _happened before._

 

Tony: In retrospect, none of what happened before looks so horrible as it did at the moment, though, does it?

 

_Steve: You mean, compared to afterwards? No._

 

_Steve: But it WAS horrible. The fucking airport. Clint is right. It shouldn’t have been like that. And especially the aftermath. How did we come to that? How did we come to this?_

 

Tony: Just like you said, no one talking to anyone else, mainly.

 

Tony: In all fairness, we were also being manipulated.

 

_Steve: We should have been stronger than that._

 

_Steve: We were friends. All of us, right? We WERE._

 

Tony: Steve, I tried

 

_Steve: I know._

 

 

**Half an hour later**

_Steve: Tony?_

 

_Steve: I tied too._

Tony: I know

 

_Steve: I couldn’t. With the Accords. And_

 

Tony: I know that too.

 

Tony: So where does that leave us?

 

_Steve: It leaves us at, if we’d talked more about personal matters, if we were closer, if we were tighter knit somehow, I would have had the courage to tell you, would have_

 

_Steve: maybe,_

 

_Steve: and everything might have been different. A_

 

_Steve: I have to go get a glass of milk._

 

_Steve: At least Zemo couldn’t have used that against us. Maybe he’d have found another weakness to exploit. But not that._

 

Tony: Our zero day, yeah

 

_Steve: What?_

Tony: Never mind.

 

Tony: Computer stuff.

 

Tony: Listen, Steve.

 

Tony: I have to ask. Did the fact that you didn't tell me about H and M have nothing to do with Barnes? I'm really trying to sidestep my feelings on the matter and not be hard on you about it, not right now that you're falling apart and bursting at the seams and finally talking, Christ almighty, and drinking milk of all things, for fuck's sake. But. How? I mean. It's not easy for me either. This. Talking to you about this. I think that the fact you didn't tell me was actually you protecting him. From me. Because you figured I'd do something to him. And if that's the case, you should be honest. Which I still hope you are. But I'm thinking maybe you aren't. But if you are going to talk about this, then you can't skim over the issue. Which I'm trying to tell myself you are AGAIN doing in order not to upset me, god knows I'm not the most stable of people and my reactions are anthological, but Steve, come on. You gotta tell the truth, Rogers. It can't go on like this. That's not how this works. If that's how it's going to be, I

 

Tony: shit

 

Tony: Look, just be honest with me, okay?

 

_Steve: It wasn't like that. I swear._

 

Tony: Please don't.

 

_Steve: I'm going to need you to listen to me._

 

Tony: Okay.

 

_Steve: I was being stupid, and I assumed things. But I didn't, it wasn't a PLOY to hide it from you, the way you mean. I know you didn't believe me when I told you I didn't know it was Bucky that did it. But, oh Tony, in my heart I probably knew, but I didn't want to believe it. I hoped it wasn't him. And I wasn't sure if I should tell you or not, at all, I mean, it wasn't as if I'd firmly decided not to. I just hated the idea of hurting you like that and dragging up the past, so I waited, and I waited too long. I sort of – I KNEW I should tell you, yeah? Of course I knew it was the right thing to do. But I kept telling myself that, that... if I could just find Bucky, and figure out if it was him, if he had killed them, then. And if he hadn't, then I could just, I could just tell you. Maybe even tell you who, how. The facts._

 

Tony: And if it had been him, then you could NOT tell me.

 

_Steve: No!_

 

_Steve: You said you'd listen._

 

_Steve: If he HAD killed them. Then tell you that. But at least I would have been sure. No more guesswork._

 

_Steve: I KNEW he had been brainwashed, Tony. It wasn't HIM him. You get that, right? Like Clint with Loki. Remember how much Clint agonized about it, still does, all those people and all. Bucky's a good man too. He was, I mean, while he had free will. So then I could just tell you that too. Tell you he had been used, like Clint was, and ask you to understand, just understand, and, and, I'm sorry, Tony, I'm so sorry, but it really wasn't his fault. He couldn't have not done it. They wielded him. They turned him into a THING. But he's still in there, somewhere. Pieces of him. And I'm sorry._

_Steve: And, I know it doesn't make much sense to you, probably, but I planned to tell you all that. I just waited, gathering all the facts.I think so, at least. I hope I would have told you. I believe I would have. How could I know any more. I don't even know anything. Any more._

 

Tony: It doesn't make sense for shit, your logic. But I, god help me, okay, I kind of understand. 

 

Tony: And those pieces, they are all you had left.

 

Tony: Listen.

 

Tony: Okay.

 

Tony: For my peace of mind, and yours, I'm now choosing to believe you would have told me eventually, and we would have sorted it out. I would have understood. The circumstances in Siberia, they were... tailor made for disaster. Literally.

 

Tony: And Steve, I'm not proud of my actions either. You probably figured that out by now, you're smart. But I didn't want to kill anyone. Or, maybe at that moment... I don't know, I honestly don't, but if I had... I wouldn't have been able to deal with that. You know that too, don't you. And to fight with you over it, half to death, Christ, it's stuff of nightmares. Literally.

 

Tony: As for me saying I regret not killing you, that night –  shit, Steve, I'm so sorry. You know I don't mean it, you know I mean the polar opposite of that. It's just another form of self-destruction I think. Because you know my worst fear, you know it. You know what it is.

 

Tony: So, I think I probably said that in order to hurt myself rather than you. Just, the most hurtful scenario my stupid brain could come up with. And then I had to send it to you. With the result of... well, you're familiar with the result. I wanted to kick Barnes' head in, and you were the collateral. I wanted to hurt myself the worst I could, to twist the knife, saying what I said. And you again, as the collateral.

 

Tony: And you know what's worst? I don't even remember typing it. Because of the booze. I have it in my phone, but I don't even fucking remember.

 

_Steve: Oh god Tony god_

 

_Steve: I don't_

_Steve: I know_

_Steve: how do_

_Steve: oh crap crap crap god_

 

Tony: God, Steve, are you actually dictating? You are completely falling to pieces right now, aren't you? I've never heard you this incoherent.

 

Tony: Myself yes, but not you.

 

_Steve: god Tony I can't_

 

Tony: This is not good.

 

Tony: Okay. I'm calling Natasha.

 

Tony: No. I'm going to come over. To Wakanda. Right now. Give me a couple of hours. All right? Are you going to be okay in the meantime. Go be with Nat, okay?

 

Tony: Steve?

 

_Steve: No, don't!_

 

Tony: No?

 

_Steve: You've no idea how much I'd want to see you. But it's not safe. EVERYONE would get compromised. They'd follow you. T'Challa would_

_Steve: He's hiding international fugitives. We mustn't_

 

Tony: Okay, you're right. Okay. Yes.

 

_Steve: I'm all right._

Tony: No you aren't

 

_Steve: Look. It's not as bad as you think. I got distressed, that's all._

 

_Steve: Okay, I feel horrible. it's horrible, but_

 

_Steve: I've got it under control._

 

_Steve: Now it's out, at least. And I'm going to be okay, and don't worry. Don't worry about me. I worry about you._

 

Tony: Don't worry about me.

 

_Steve: I don't think that's how it works._

 

Tony: Well, right back at ya.

 

_Steve: Just talk to me. Just tell me what you are thinking. Please. Don't disappear. Don't go. Just_

 

Tony: I'm here

 

_Steve: If you don't want to talk, that's understandable, that's fine, we don't have to. You probably need to go process. I'll deal. I can handle myself. You should go. Really. I'll be fine. Go._

 

Tony: Er... I don't want to?

 

_Steve: No?_

 

Tony: No.

 

Tony: It's strangely cathartic. Having actually talked about it. Don't you think?

_Steve: I don't know._

Tony: Steve, how are you doing? With complete honesty now, please.

 

_Steve: All cried out. And empty. But a bit better? Is it okay to say that, even? It makes it sound as if I talked about this to make myself feel better, but that's not it. I just, I needed to talk to you._

 

Tony: No, I know. And I badly needed to hear it, I think.

 

Tony: And I can sort of understand why you didn’t tell me, actually. About the assassination. Although I still can’t really fucking believe you didn’t. I don’t think I’m even angry with you any longer. I mean, I kind of stopped being angry, mostly, even before this, and now, I just...

 

_Steve: Hurt._

 

Tony: That’s... not something I’d readily admit.

_Steve: but still_

 

Tony: I guess?

 

_Steve: There’s nothing I can do about that now._

 

Tony: Wow, glad you’re so good at accepting it.

 

_Steve: Come on!_

 

Tony: Hell, Steve, I was making light.

 

Tony: So stupid, so sorry.

 

Tony: Don't go.

 

_Steve: Go? Are you crazy?_

 

_Steve: But what I meant is_

 

_Steve: I can’t change what happened, but I can try to make it never happen again_

 

_Steve: if you’d bear with me_

 

_Steve: I’ll do my best_

 

_Steve: maybe you’ll never forgive me_

 

_Steve: but I’ll try to make us stronger_

 

_Steve: together_

 

_Steve: in future_

 

_Steve: any way I can_

 

_Steve: Tony?_

 

Tony: Sounds good to me.

 

Tony: Steve.

 

Tony: I’ll forgive you. Maybe I already have. In a way I have. In part. When you’re being so earnest, how could I not? And probably fully, in time. I don't know how to explain it.

 

Tony: I’m not holding a grudge here, is what I'm trying to say. I just still feel like shit about it and don’t know how to stop.

 

_Steve: I know, Tony._

 

_Steve: I always played my cards close to my chest. I mean. My whole life. It’s a difficult habit to break. It’s not even about trusting people._

 

Tony: You just do things on your own.

 

_Steve: Yes._

 

Tony: I know, buddy, me too.

 

_Steve: I know._

 

_Steve: But it turns out that’s not a very strong foundation for anything._

 

Tony: Guess not.

 

_Steve: Doesn’t mater how you feel about people, in that case._

 

_Steve: I’d have given my life for you anytime, and I think you even know it. And you for me. And that’s the truth._

 

Tony: Christ, Steve.

 

Tony: I know.

 

_Steve: And then this happens, and none of it matters any longer._

 

Tony: It matters.

_Steve: But it doesn’t. It’s just how you feel, it's just something that’s in your head. If you don’t let people know, somehow, it’s worth nothing. I never had many friends, is what I tried to tell you. I’m not sure how to even do it right._

 

Tony: Steve

 

_Steve: I just don’t know._

 

_Steve: In war, it’s different._

 

Tony: You mean, if the people are mostly decent, and won’t physically betray you and such, it’s easier to be friends when you are desperately fighting a common enemy. You have a common cause. Nothing disputable there.

 

Tony: Like what we used to have.

 

_Steve: But when you find yourselves pitted against each other, it’s a different kind of test._

 

Tony: Man, the way we failed it, eh?

 

Tony: But we’re talking now. We're better now. We'll sort it out, yeah?

 

_Steve: I need you to tell me too. What you said before. Tell me if you need me, when you need me. I said I’d be there, and I mean it._

_Steve: For ANYTHING, not just if the world is ending._

_Steve: But you’ll probably actually have to tell me. Because I’m not greatest at picking cues either._

_Steve: And that’s probably a part of the problem._

 

Tony: I’ll promise if you promise

 

_Steve: If you WANT me._

 

Tony: ?

 

_Steve: I’m correcting the wording here. Need me OR want me, or whatever. You have to tell me. Because, I think you might interprete ‘need’ as ‘I’m dying from a gut wound somewhere in the mountains’._

 

Tony: ahahahaha

 

Tony: Yeah, ok.

 

Tony: Need or want. Understood. Mundane matters count too.

 

Tony: Yeah, we got a deal, then. Also, you sound a bit better.

 

Tony: But I’m not used to admitting any kind of need or want, so it’s going to be hard work.

 

_Steve: For me too._

 

Tony: I know.

 

_Steve: Tony..._

 

_Steve: I'm so very sorry._

 

_Steve: You don't know how much._

 

Tony: Yeah, buddy, I gathered.

 

Tony: Look, if I say it's okay, it's going to sound like a platitude.

 

Tony: And if I say try not to beat yourself up about it, well, it's not going to help any because you're going to do it nevertheless.

 

_Steve: yeah_

 

Tony: So, Christ, Steve, just try to pull through.

 

Tony: Just pull through.

 

Tony: For me.

 

Tony: Okay?

 

_Steve: You're so strange sometimes._

 

Tony: I fell asleep for a sec. I'm here.

 

_Steve: You should go rest. I'll try to sleep too. Okay?_

 

Tony: If you can't, just poke me. I'll go make a cup of coffee or something. We can chat some more.

 

_Steve: Go sleep._

 

_Steve: We'll talk tomorrow._

 

Tony: Okay.

 

_Steve: Okay._


	12. Chapter 12

 

**Sunday**

 

_Steve: Hey._

Tony: Hey yourself. How are you feeling today?

 

_Steve: Washed out. But kind of okay, actually. Better. I'm happy we talked. You?_

Tony: That pretty much sums it up, yeah.

 

Tony: Also, I'm in a bit of a happy-ish place, I think. I want to send you a shitton of stuff right now. Don't dare, though. Might be tracked. So none of that for now.

 

_Steve: You know you don't need to send me things._

 

Tony: That's how I say I miss you, you should fucking know that by now.

 

_Steve: Me too, Tony._

_Steve: So what would you send me? If you could?_

Tony: Most of all a plane ticket, pretty much, but that's out of question too, as we know.

 

_Steve: I wish it weren't._

 

Tony: Yeah, I know.

 

Tony: Hey, I've thought of some more hard questions, if you're in the mood. Just one, actually. But I'm guessing you're not in the mood? I'm not either, really, but...

 

_Steve: You're afraid it'll get swept back under the rug?_

_Steve: You can ask me what you want._

Tony: Yeah, but I hate to spoil the decent washed-out mood.

 

_Steve: Yeah, but that kind of thinking got us into this mess, in part._

Tony: So what about your James?

 

_Steve: Who?_

_Steve: God._

_Steve: What about him, Tony?_

 

Tony: What, I'm not supposed even to ask? You've mentioned just about everyone there, but never him. Which, I guess, is you trying to spare my feelings? Or maybe you don't think you should share that part of your life with me, which is your choice, obviously, but I don't want that to be a... a matter that can't be named. If we are trying this honesty thing.

 

_Steve: It's not that._

_Steve: But I don't know what you want me to say about him. What is it you want to know?_

 

Tony: What's going on there? Don't give me any details you aren't comfortable with, but in general terms.

 

Tony: I'm not going to try and arrest him or anything.

 

Tony: Listen, I'd be happy to ignore the issue, but he's a big part of your life, obviously, and he's plainly important to you, so I'm asking, and there you go.

 

_Steve: You don't know?_

_Steve: He's in cryo. Don't you know he's in cryo?_

_Steve: You seem to find out most other things. So I thought maybe you knew._

 

Tony: He what??

 

Tony: You went through all that trouble to find him, just to deep-freeze his ass again?

 

Tony: Not the most tactful thing to say, given. But honestly what the fuck?

 

Tony: I don't understand.

 

_Steve: Do you imagine this is easy for me?_

 

Tony: I imagine you should tell me what happened, if you can without breaking any confidences or whatever.

 

Tony: No, I don't imagine it's easy for you.

 

Tony: As you said yourself, he's your friend, eh.

 

_Steve: Real nice, Tony._

 

 _Steve: TOO. He's my friend TOO. That's what that was supposed to mean._ _I thought we understood each other last night._

_Steve: Why are you_

Tony: One time in my life I actually don't throw something in your face...

 

Tony: You know what, big guy, calm down. That's not how I meant it, all right?

 

Tony: Also, just as a point of interest, that TOO is strangely significant for such a small, shitty word. Might not want to omit it the next time.

 

_Steve: Yeah. But I don't know it would have made a difference at that point._

Tony: Probably not.

 

_Steve: And I'm sorry. This is a touchy subject. I'm touchy about it._

Tony: You're one prickly bastard, did you know that?

 

Tony: Also, you are becoming a true master of deflection. Who would've thunk?

 

Tony: Seriously, though, are you all right? When did that happen? After Madripoor? Did something happen there?

 

_Steve: What? No, no. He... decided it was for the best, to go under, pretty much as soon as we arrived here. He doesn't want to be used again against his will. There are these trigger words, conditioning, which I'm not sure whether you know or not, you and I never got to really talk about any of it. But until we somehow figure out how to de-condition him, he chose to_

_Steve: to stay deactivated._

_Steve: God._

 

Tony: Okay, that's pretty terrible.

 

Tony: Steve, I'll never be a fan. But I do think it's wrong to use people like machines.  And I know he's very important to you. It must be terrible to almost get a friend back, and then not. After so many years. It must be so lonely. So, I'm sorry.

 

_Steve: I'm not talking to you just because I don't have Bucky available, if that's what you are thinking in that head of yours._

 

Tony: That's not what I was thinking.

 

Tony: At all.

 

_Steve: No?_

 

_Steve: Really?_

Tony: Maybe a bit.

 

Tony: But not really.

 

_Steve: So, that's exactly what you were thinking, then?_

 

Tony: Basically.

 

_Steve: It's not like that._

Tony: Okay.

 

Tony: I still mean what I said.

 

_Steve: The asshole act is slipping dangerously, Tony. Soon you'll start acting overtly kind if you're not careful._

 

Tony: I'm always overtly kind, you ass. Everyone knows that. It's just that you are learning to decode me only now.

 

_Steve: I'm working full time on figuring you out._

_Steve: It's just that I'm a bit of a slow learner sometimes._

Tony: Oh bullshit.

 

_Steve: :)_

 

Tony: I'm sorely tempted to send back a smiley face. I must be losing my mind.

 

 

**Somewhat later**

Tony: Steve, how come you never asked me how Rhodey was, though, all this time?

 

_Steve: Sam updates me when he hears from him. Sorry I didn't ask, thought maybe you wouldn't want to talk about it._

Tony: Wait what?

 

Tony: The asshole never told me they were talking!

 

Tony: Did they get a pair of phones all their own?

 

Tony: Who else is talking, then? Wanda and Vision?

 

Tony: Scott Lang and Happy Hogan?

 

_Steve: I think they exchanged just a couple of messages. Sam and Rhodey. If there is something to what you said about Wanda and Vision, I don't know._

_Steve: Is Vision even of age?_

_Steve: Have you told Rhodey we were talking?_

 

Tony: Well, no. For his own safety. And also, the Sourbear would have disapproved. He'd have told me to screw you.

 

Tony: In a non-nice way.

 

Tony: I might have to revise my honesty policies with my friends after this mess is over.

 

Tony: If it's ever over.

 

_Steve: No one telling anyone anything. That's worked so well in the past._

Tony: Yeah.

 

_Steve: Sam is really screwed up about it all, you know. That he couldn't save him._

_Steve: He  really looks up to the colonel. They were getting to be pretty close before all this started._

 

Tony: Yeah, I know.

 

_Steve: Tony, what happened was... It was the worst thing that could have happened._

 

Tony: Not the worst.

 

_Steve: Yeah, okay. Of course._

_Steve: But I'm so sorry._

Tony: He's alive. He's all right. I made him braces for walking. So don't with the sorries, just don't.

 

_Steve: If you figure out you can tell him safely, say hi from me, okay? I know he's pissed at me, but we all really like Rhodey. Always have._

Tony: That's because he's a really great guy.

 

_Steve: He is._

**Even later**

Tony: Also, since we're talking about friends, I heard from Bruce.

 

_Steve: You heard from Bruce??_

Tony: Yep.

 

_Steve: Really? You heard from Bruce? You heard from BRUCE??_

 

Tony: Yep.

 

_Steve: Oh God._

 

_Steve: YEARS._

_Steve: How is he?_

_Steve: Is he safe?_

Tony: He's all right. I'm not risking telling you anything else, because safety, not that I know much, but he's fine as long as he stays away.

 

_Steve: Did he contact you because of the press conference?_

 

Tony: Yep. At least I think so.

 

_Steve: Because you said you missed him._

Tony: If only we knew it was that easy, eh?

 

_Steve: Is he really all right?_

Tony: I don't know the details, because, again, safety. But he seems pretty okay. For Bruce.

 

_Steve: Oh thank God._

 

**Still Sunday**

_Steve: Since we are talking about friends, I need to tell you something._

Tony: What a way to feed my anxiety. Shoot.

 

Tony: Is someone hurt?

 

_Steve: Oh no, no, nothing like that!_

_Steve: We made a press statement. About what happened in Madripoor. Or Clint did._

Tony: Really? Clint of all people??

 

Tony: Although, since his face was caught on camera, I suppose it makes sense.

 

_Steve: And it couldn't be me, because Wanda says I'm seen as an avatar of U. S. imperialism many places in the world . I can't even begin to describe how much I resent that. But I hate making statements too, so that's_ _good_ _at least ._

 

_Steve: [is sending a link]_

Tony: That's a dead link.

 

_Steve: It gets pulled down. Or not pulled down, exactly, but censored. Can't be viewed from most countries._

 

Tony: Yeah, figured it out already, gee, gimme a sec.

 

 _Steve: We also sent it to all the major media in the U.S., but it seems they are ignoring it._ _Or, more probably, it's being  shut down._

 

Tony: a sec

 

 _Steve: Natasha is going to send it to Reuters and everyone, but she thought it better to do the U.S. first._ _And then this happened, and we think it's a really interesting development. What do you think?_

 

***

 

BARTON: So... Hi, I guess? I'm Clint Barton. Hawkeye. The guy with the bow and arrows you barely remember seeing. Except in Madripoor, everyone saw me in Madripoor. This is exactly what I wanted to make a statement about. I'm an international fugitive, a former agent of SHIELD, a former Avenger. A lot of former things, then. I'm only talking on behalf of myself, not on behalf of my... my friends. Maybe a little bit on their behalf too, but primarily for myself. I'm doing this because... Plainly, because I think people have the right to know the truth about what happened, and you are not getting it anywhere else right now.

 

I've seen different explanations and, so to say, conspiracy theories as to what took place. And, the way we used to do this was... You know the drill, some things are state secrets, some things are state secrets of other countries, so you are even less allowed to talk about _them_ , some things are deemed probable to cause panic. Even before that, when I worked for SHIELD, this was taken care of by a whole another department, which, in a government agency is a whole another country, practically.

 

But since it's me now... I don't know anything about PR. And I don't work for any state, all the states want to lock me up, so I don't give a damn about their secrets any longer. And if you think you might panic, then don't watch this. But you'll have to determine for yourselves, I'm afraid. When Nat... When Black Widow and Steve Rogers took SHIELD down a few years back, they leaked all the info, put it on the internet. It was freely available until, well, until fairly recently, I'd say. Now it's nowhere to be found. But I'm doing this in the same spirit. I'm also going to assume you know what happened there, you had enough time to sift through the data, there were a few pretty good analytical pieces too. They should still be available on wayback machine, I think, if nowhere else. Oh, shit, maybe I shouldn't have... Nat, do we edit this out? No? Okay, so if you find them, repost them, then, all right?

 

Okay. We went to Madripoor because we had intel about a planned terrorist attack, by a rogue Hydra branch – or that was what we thought – during the tech expo.

 

Why Avengers? I mean, the former Avengers? Because we had the intel and there wasn't time, and we informed the police, but we couldn't offer much in the way of proof, and besides, excuse me, but everyone and their pet chinchilla know Madripoor police is corrupt, and even if they weren't, they wouldn't be equipped to deal with this kind of threat.

 

As with any terrorist attack, it seemed the attackers were into making as big a fuck-all as possible, causing as much damage ass possible. Hurting people. Causing fear. You know how it goes.

 

We tried to do damage control. I have some footage here, I'm going to show you, it was – funny story, that, but most of it was edited out of the news stories you probably saw. We had to do a bit of hacking to get our hands on this material. You can add it to our list of crimes, feel free, yeah. I probably shouldn't have said that. Some of the footage is our own.

 

Okay, so Natasha is telling me to cut it short.

 

This is Scarlet Witch, although you can't see her face; as you can see she is floating people out of a burning building. She's not... The big red bubble you can see, that's her power, that's what she does. She's using it to protect the people from the fire. There's some more of the similar, mostly photos, as you can see. That's Falcon, also doing damage control, rescuing folks. You know what, maybe it's not such a good idea to point us out here, but since the whole world is already pointing an accusatory finger at us, here, you can add our own finger to it. Take that any way you like.

 

Scarlet Witch and Steve Rogers are the only ones among us that have any kind of, what you would call, powers. I mean, Steve is just very strong, but whatever. The rest of us here are just normal guys, with a lot of training and good tech. I have no special powers. Natasha – Black Widow – doesn't either, though that's hard to believe. Neither does Sam. We just... we just use what we have to the best of our abilities. To try and do the damage control here, and to hunt down the bad guys.

 

The truth is, we fucked up. The intel we had, it was a setup. It was a trap, we think. We now think it was all a diversion, to set us up and to avert the eyes of the public from what was going on at the tech expo, which was where a newly acquired batch of supersoldier serum was supposed to exchange hands. At a secret auction. We... no, we don't have any proof. We think more than one government were interested in buying. We don't have real proof of that either, we would love to share it with you, but we don't have it. Just what we saw. You can believe it if you want.

 

We fucked up in that we didn't figure it out in time. Steve _did_ figure it out in the end, by which time it was almost too late. We changed the plan on the fly. And besides, who can tell what the best course of action is in those circumstances. What were we supposed to do? Give up on public protection, let the Hydra assholes lay destruction on the city and deal with this? Or let superserum go, and do damage control. We tried to do both. And it was a partial success. We controlled the damage in part. A lot of damage was still caused. People were hurt. We caused some too. We tried to save as many people as possible. We did capture the serum, but we cannot be sure it was all there was of it. We're not even sure it's the working serum; it's been around before, a few times that I know of – another thing I shouldn't be releasing to the public, I guess. These serums never really worked exactly the way they were supposed to, but they tend to cause havoc either way.

 

So. I know 'we tried' isn't the best thing to say, but we did, and we are sorry it didn't all go according to the plan, and we are also glad we did as much as we could to help. Now, if you are asking if we had a clearance to be there, no, nope. As I said, international fugitives. Remember our list of crimes I mentioned before – it keeps growing. It is what it is. Why did we take the liberty to do this? Well, who else is going to? I said governments were involved, we are pretty sure. Some... some parties that might have intervened here were blindsided to the whole thing, and if they hadn't been, their hands would have been tied. There wasn't time for anything else, so we went in, we did what we could, and you can hate us for it, or you can understand why we did it, but we are... we, once again, we _tried_ , and there you go.

 

I didn't sign the Sokovia Accords, no. To me, this whole thing, with the Avengers falling apart, wasn't about the Accords, and after I took the time to actually study them closely, you know what, they aren't so bad at all, but they are steeped in bureaucracy, and a lot of points there are unclear. And there are always the official channels, the official channels are good, it's like that with the police too. Police forces of different countries will cooperate, and there's also INTERPOL, but it takes time, and it's clunky, and it doesn't always work the way it's supposed to. Sometimes it works perfectly. But when you are after a dangerous criminal who could inflict a lot of damage _right now_ , or if there is corruption involved, or a nascent international incident or something... Well, there is secret police, there are intelligence forces, secret agents, there is working undercover... Every country does that, even across the borders, fuck the borders, yes, every country has spies too, every country breaks the laws there. If they tell you they don't, it's a big fat lie. I used to _work_ for an agency of that ilk, I know way more about the workings of this than anyone out there should be comfortable with. Whoever bothered to sift through the data Nat and Steve released a few years back, could have seen plenty of this there. Plenty of proof. We can all politely pretend it's not so, you go ahead, but that's just not true.

 

But we are not a country, and we are not a government, and we weren't democratically elected, and we weren't sanctioned to do this. And many will say we don't have the right to do what we do. And maybe we don't. It's probably true. Is that a fucking excuse to sit back and NOT do anything? No. For me it isn't. And while I hate the state of affairs right now, and I hate that I'm apparently a criminal, and while I wonder a million times a day whether I made the right decision, I am what I am, I am where I am. Just a guy, with some training, with no super powers, doing what I can, helping where I can; it's been pointed out to me it's called vigilantism. Well, so be it, then. I... I am sorry. I liked the other way better. I _loved_ being an Avenger, a hero. But this is all I can do. I can't let shit happen, I can let people die, and stay idle. I _tried._ I _can't._ I'm sorry it has to be like this.

 

***

 

Tony: I never thought I'd be saying this, but Barton's not so bad at PR. Cutely clueless but kind of in your face. Got that feisty teddy bear act together pretty well.

 

_Steve: I think he was just being honest._

 

Tony: As I said, that's your basic strategy.

 

Tony: Why didn't I know he could do this? I coulda used him before.

 

Tony: I'm hearing echoes of Natasha in certain turns of phrase, but mostly it's all his own cute, isn't it?

 

Tony: Also, copying a bit of my style here and there, not that I can blame him.

 

Tony: And I can see the point of Clint doing this, oh, I'm just a poor guy with no super powers, your average joe bullshit. Not bad, Barton, not bad. Tell him hi from me.

 

_Steve: He says hi._

_Steve: Although I think you are actually being vitriolic. But he did tell the truth, you know._

Tony: Maybe I'm being fucking vitriolic because this is the first time I'm hearing about the super-soldier serum, Steve!

 

Tony: Governments involved? How come I don't know about any of this bullshit?

 

Tony: ???

 

_Steve: Oh. I'd actually thought you'd probably figured it all out._

Tony: Contrary to the popular belief, I'm not omniscient.

 

_Steve: Jesus, don't be so mad.  
_

_Steve: I'll try and get you more data._

Tony: I'm not mad. I can't say I agree with lot of his sentiments there towards the end, but hey, you knew that already.

 

Tony: Listen, I'm looking into stuff right now. This IS being shut down, Steve, this story. Big time. I found a directive from the top level. Okay, this is infuriating. Okay, I'm so going to fuck with this, you've no idea.

 

_Steve: Tony, wait!_

_Steve: Don't do anything dangerous!_

_Steve: Are you hacking something? What are you doing?_

_Steve: PLEASE_

Tony: Okay, okay.

 

Tony: I'm so pissed right now, you've no idea, Cap.

 

Tony: I just hacked into Associated Press servers, informatively. I'm not doing anything. I COULD. But I'm not.

 

_Steve: Because it would be screwing with the freedom of the media._

Tony: Thanks for the free lesson. And yes. And because we need to go to the root of the problem. The press is not the root, the press is just the leaves.

 

Tony: I have a few ideas.

 

Tony: You'll just have to trust me.

 

_Steve: Wait!_

_Steve: Don't do anything, what are you doing? You can't put yourself in danger. That wasn't the point. I just wanted to hear your thoughts on this! We'll figure it out ourselves! Don't be crazy!_

 

Tony: Okay, don't get your panties in a twist, Jesus fuck.

 

Tony: I'm just, if this is being shut down, I want to do something about it. I've had enough of being sidelined. I need to do something. And not just uncensor the vid. Something real.

 

_Steve: You'll be the most obvious target, don't be crazy! We need to be smart about this._

Tony: I'm so infuriated, you've no idea.

 

_Steve: That's why you need to calm down first!_

_Steve: Don't make me think I shouldn't have told you about this._

 

Tony: Don't make me say 'screw you, Rogers'.

 

Tony: And I'm not going to be not smart about this, don't worry.

 

 

**Ten minutes later**

 

_Steve: In a non-nice way?_


	13. Chapter 13

**Sunday/Monday**

 

 

Tony: So, I've formulated a plan.

 

Tony: Also, thank Natasha for me, some of the info she sent was moderately useful. She thinks the serum got reverse engineered from the blood samples and the bone marrow of the dead super-soldiers in that base in Siberia, do you think that's possible?

 

_Steve: That's our theory, yes. Obviously, it would have been well preserved, given the conditions. Listen, as far as we've managed to figure it out, it was a branch of Hydra that did it, they don't have the exact formula that was used previously, not any longer, but they worked on it._

 

_Steve: Plan? What do you mean by plan?_

 

Tony: I took a peak at the servers of the major media houses here. You know what, it's pretty much the same bull everywhere. As we thought, the story is getting snuffed out. Also, the Rosses are not stupid, they know they can't kill the story for good. This is just them biding the time, until they figure out how to spin it to their advantage, trust me. It's probably just a matter of hours.

 

Tony: So one solution would be to let it explode all over the world media, in Europe and everywhere. CANADA. But I got one better for you. I'm negotiating with Christine Everhart on this. As expected, she's making me piss blood over it, but I think it's going to work. Tell Natasha to pull the vid down from the net for now; we're giving Everhart the first exclusive rights to it for six hours.

 

Tony: Then do what you want.

 

_Steve: Natasha asks whoever gave you the steering wheel for this, but she's almost smiling._

_Steve: But I don't think you should be putting yourself at risk over this, I told you! Are you? What exactly are you going to do?_

_Steve: I can't stop you from here, now, but I'm not sure this was such a great idea. I mainly wanted to give you the heads up before you heard it elsewhere._

_Steve: and who's Christine Everhart?_

Tony: Google her, dammit.

Tony: And come on, this is serious, freedom of the press, media constipation by government order, and all that shit. I'm finding a lot of stuff here I don't like; we can't ignore it.

 

_Steve: I don't think Christine Everhart is our friend._

_Steve: Although, I do get that you now kind of agree with her politically._

_Steve: Natasha says are you sure about this?_

_Steve: But she doesn't seem particularly perturbed._

Tony: Because it's Natasha, ffs.

 

Tony: And this goes way beyond politics, which is why Everhart is listening to what I have to say at all.

 

Tony: And you know what, just saying I agree with Everhart, on anything, might make the universe implode, so watch it, Rogers.

 

_Steve: You need to give me more details if you want me to go along with this._

Tony: I never asked for your fucking permission.

 

_Steve: Hell, Tony._

 

Tony: Okay, so listen.

 

Tony: So, Everhart left WHIH some time ago. She was just about to launch a new network, she's got good connections and there are some really good journalists onboard with this; they are going to launch their network with your statement. Now, there WILL be critical commentary, but there would have been anyway, and this way I actually get heads up as to what's happening, and I'm getting them some exclusive info they wouldn't otherwise have. It's not going to go badly for us.

 

Tony: I mean for you, obviously.

 

Tony: In any case, there won't be cheering, but there won't be booing. And I think they are going to raise hell over the media blockage. They are already getting shit over this, Christine has received threats from the state top, AND THEY ARE GOING TO REPORT ABOUT IT, HOLY HELL.

 

Tony: It's a bigger story than you guys!

 

Tony: I'm talking to her right now.

 

_Steve: What's going on?_

 

Tony: [is sending a link]

 

Tony: Also, not right now. Gotta go.

 

***

 

_Steve: We are watching TV! The other networks are picking it up!_

_Steve: Are you seeing this?_

_Steve: Tony, are you all right, what the hell is going on?_

***

 

Tony: So, I got pulled in for a talking to. Regarding SOMETHING ELSE entirely, like you wouldn't believe. The phone got confiscated for the duration, very politely so. You wouldn't believe the buggage on it when I got it back.

 

_Steve: Naturally, they didn't figure out the Friday shades?_

 

Tony: Naturally.

 

_Steve: This means you're all right, right?_

 

Tony: Oh, never better! This is amazing.

 

_Steve: We saw Everhart's been arrested._

Tony: I know, but we'll raise hell over it, don't you worry! I can't send her the lawyers, I have to stay out of this for the time being, at least nominally. BUT it's all right, she knew what she was getting into.

 

_Steve: That's pretty cold, though._

 

Tony: No, you don't get it.

 

Tony: She did it on purpose. That was her big idea. To take the fall, very publicly. She's making a martyr out of herself, and they are making a huge story out of it. Like dying on a stake for the freedom of the press. She's got a flare for drama, that woman. Also, tough as nails.

 

_Steve: I thought you didn't like her._

Tony: I don't.

 

***

 

_Steve: Check in?_

 

Tony: All good.

 

Tony: I'm juggling like a hundred balls right now, but everything's working fine.

 

***

 

_Steve: So are they putting more pressure on the other media houses, or did they suddenly get tired of the story?_

 

Tony: You got it in one.

 

_***_

_Steve: Oh, the backlash now! Ross gave a statement, did you see?_

 

Tony: Can't really talk right now.

 

Tony: You wouldn't believe the volume of the attack on Everett's servers right now.

 

Tony: But the gov hackers ain't worth shit.

 

Tony: Or they aren't trying very hard, which is my guess. At least some of them.

 

Tony: But a ton of less competent assholes is still a ton.

 

_Steve: Okay, slow down. Are you involved?_

 

Tony: If someone told me I'd be doing the work of a glorified infoseccer for Christine Everhart...

 

Tony: And don't worry.

 

_Steve: Right._

_Steve: Because that's how it works._

 

_Steve: What can I do to help?_

 

Tony: I got this.

 

_Steve: But that's not the point._

 

***

 

_Steve: I'm like this far from flying to New York, everything be damned!_

 

***

 

Tony: Don't be an idiot!!!

 

_Steve: It's not fair to you that you had to take the brunt of this upon yourself._

 

Tony: I'm having a better time with this than I've had for ages, Steve!

 

 _Steve: That's what worries me, among other things._

 

_Steve: T'Challa tells me Vision is with the U.N. right now. So, basically, you've sent everyone away, and you know what, you keep saying it's okay, but I'm extremely anxious about all this._

 

Tony: You're just antsy because you can't do anything from there.

 

_Steve: I'm worried about you. Come on!_

 

Tony: I'm fine.

 

_Steve: Why am I not reassured?_

_Steve: Could I ask you to check in every half an hour or so? So that I know you haven't been arrested or something._

 

Tony: I'm actually being really careful. But okay. Okay, big guy. You got it. 

 

_Steve: Just take care._


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for adding to the number of planned chapters, constantly. But I keep thinking I'll be able to wrap it all up in two chapters, but the things keep happening, the plot keeps happening. This chapter was unplanned, but felt totally necessary. The ending is in sight, I promise!

**That night (New York time)**

 

Tony: So, the dark part of the news cycle begins, we can relax for a few hours at least. I mean, no rest for the wicked, there's still some work to do, but at least we're off the crazy pace for now.

 

_Steve: You are going to hate me for this, and Nat says I'm a mother hen, but you should get some sleep while you can, and also I have to ask_

_Steve: The drinking?_

Tony: The drinking?

 

_Steve: Are you?_

 

Tony: Are you kidding me with this?

 

Tony: I told you I stopped.

 

_Steve: You didn't. You told me you weren't going to take a drink, a while ago, when you wanted it. That was all you told me._

Tony: Well, that was that.

 

_Steve: I'm not sure that's how it works. I'm asking because today was very stressful, that's all._

 

Tony: It works in whatever the hell way I tell it to work. And now you sound like my aunt.

 

_Steve: You have an aunt?_

 

Tony: Nope, but if I did.

 

Tony: Also, thanks for asking, and you are probably right, and I'm going to go to sleep now, catch a few hours if I can.

 

 _Steve: Okay, that's good, great. Sleep well, Tony_.

 

***

 

Tony: So obviously I can't sleep.

 

Tony: Too much adrenaline.

 

Tony: You there?

 

_Steve: Of course. I'm looking at the stories from all over the world. The government disputing all accusations... I don't think anyone really believes them._

 

Tony: Could we talk about anything else, though? I need to wind down.

 

  _Steve: Whatever you want :)_

Tony: Oooh, tempting.

 

Tony: Tell me how you are holding up.

 

_Steve: Okay._

 

Tony: Now, I mean, tell me in like more than two syllables.

 

_Steve: Pot, kettle._

 

_Steve: I was very frustrated today that I couldn't do anything._

 

Tony: But you did plenty by capturing the serum. What happened to it, by the way? Hopefully you destroyed it? Also, I have to say that Madripoor makes way more sense now.

_Steve: Yes, we destroyed what we captured, and the formula too, and we think we have all the copies, but can't be sure. But maybe not all of the serum, I'm afraid._

 

_Steve: But today was also kind of good. Because it felt good,  almost like we were doing something together again, something important. Whatever you might think of that._

 

Tony: Oh, I'm not going to be mean to you now, after everything. If that's what you thought. And we did work together, and hell, Steve, yeah, it felt good.

 

_Steve: Okay, that's good to hear._

Tony: So I see you are now using Wanda for support in battle situations instead, yeah? How's that working out?

 

_Steve: I don't think she's ready for the front lines, honestly, if she ever will be. Wrong temperament too, maybe. Sam is training her pretty rigorously, by the way. He's like a Yoda of pararescue. We should have tried it this way before._

_Steve: Is 'temperament' an outdated word?_

 

Tony: A little, but who cares. And oh, you saw Star Wars finally!

 

Tony: So who IS the front line? Lang is infiltration, I guess, and Clint and Wilson are support.

 

_Steve: It's just me and Natasha in the front._

 

Tony: That's comparably little. You need more firepower. But I do think not using Wanda is kind of the right idea.

 

_Steve: My firepower is half the world away. I miss my firepower terribly._

 

Tony: Maybe it's because I'm tired, but you do know how to be rather sweet when you want to.

 

_Steve: Always happy to oblige._

 

Tony: But listen. I've been thinking

 

Tony: After all of this dies down a tad, will you send me your blood and urine samples to tinker with?

 

_Steve: Excuse me?_

 

Tony: To try to figure out why the meds aren't working, try to bypass that for you. Try to make anesthetics that work, and maybe even antidepressants, I don't know. Shoulda done it ages ago, honestly. I'm an idiot.

 

_Steve: How are you even qualified to do that?_

 

Tony: I wouldn't give you something unsafe for you to try, ffs, Rogers.

 

_Steve: No, I know._

 

Tony: And yeah, I partly am. Qualified. But I thought I might consult with Cho on it, she's a genius in her own right. And with Bruce, you know. We've all worked together before. This could be great!

 

_Steve: Look at you, you're all fired up._

 

Tony: Also, I was thinking of getting a PhD in medicinal biochemistry for this.

 

Tony: I'm bored.

 

_Steve: Bored?? Aren't you terribly, horribly busy with everything that's been going on, and the SI and ALL?_

 

Tony: Oh, I am.

 

Tony: But I'm bored.

 

_Steve: It's good to hear you talking about new projects. I always loved that. It's been ages. And thanks. You're always thinking of me. Don't think I'm unaware of that._

_Steve: But I'm not sure I want them. The meds. Don't be mad._

Tony: You should at least try them. You don't even know how they work. Give my imaginary meds a chance, come on.

 

Tony: They are not supposed to magically cure you of sadness. They power you up so that you can deal with the root of the problem, among other things. They kick your ass into gear.

 

Tony: Read up on it.

 

_Steve: I did. I also saw not all of them work the same way, and while some do have the side effects you mentioned back when, not all of them affect a person in the same manner. You are supposed to try various kinds to find something that works. And sometimes it takes weeks for them to take effect. Why do I have a feeling you tried yours for a millisecond, ages ago, and decided that's not for you? So, I get it, you want to solve MY problem, but you should understand that I also want to solve yours :)_

 

_Steve: I'm just worried, Tony._

 

Tony: So what, you think I should take them but you don't want them yourself?

 

_Steve: Yes. I tried to make that clear without mentioning any more kitchenware._

 

Tony: You do sound perkier than in a long time.

 

Tony: Listen, Steve, about the Midas bullshit, self loathing et al.

 

_Steve: Yeah?_

 

Tony: I've been thinking about it, actually and

 

Tony: Look, I feel fucked up, Steve. In general, just fucked up. I don't know how else to acknowledge that. I feel really broken and screwed up in a way other people just aren't. And I can't just pretend it's not there. I mean, I mostly do, but at least with my friends, I can't. Feels like deception. I think I'm

 

Tony: I think, when I say things like the ones you pointed out. I think that's how I show you I'm aware of it, aware of the way I am, since everyone else is probably aware of it. And I don't know how else to acknowledge it.

 

_Steve: You just did._

Tony: Yeah, with you. In private. At one in the morning. When I'm too fucking exhausted to worry about showing vulnerability, ffs.

 

Tony: Look, I even admitted I'm exhausted.

 

_Steve: Yeah, I thought the world was ending._

_Steve: Will you give me a minute, I'm trying to say something, but you type so fast._

 

_Steve: And I never know how to say these things, it's just... I always try to be clear and succinct, but I don't know, I think I sound cold?_

Tony: You could try sending flowers.  


_Steve: Oh, shut up for a sec._

_Steve: I always hate saying 'I know how you feel', to anyone, because no one really does, and it just sounds like a cliché. But I really do know how much it can hurt when you just feel there's something screwy with you on the inside, there's just something wrong, and you can't put your finger on it, but it's not the way it's supposed to be, it's dark and it hurts. And you don't know whether to shout it on top of your lungs, for everyone to hear, or to just tuck it in and pretend you just work okay, everything's okay, everything's great; and you hope no one ever sees, no one ever figures you out._

_Steve: So I do understand. But what you do, it feels almost like you made a habit out of it, and now you're barely even aware you're doing it. And I think people then just don't take it seriously, because you don't, at least not apparently. And then it misses the point._

_Steve: So if you can just decide to stop drinking, you can decide to stop doing that._

_Steve: At least with me. In private. Even when it's not one in the morning. Because you don't need to. With me. I swear. I'm happy to listen to the real thing. How crappy you feel for real._

_Steve: And I'm not trying to lecture you. I don't know what to do with my goddamn crap either, I just try to grin and bear it when I'm around people. But mostly without grinning._

 

Tony: You try to walk it off.

 

_Steve: Yeah, I try to walk it off :)_

 

Tony: That's not how it works either.

 

_Steve: I know._

  _  
_

Tony: And I'm thinking you're probably right, you know. I never do it when I talk to Rhodey, you know? Not for decades now. But with Pepper? Oh, man.

 

_Steve: Lots?_

 

Tony: I'll say it again: Oh, man.

 

_Steve: I don't even know what to say, except that it shouldn't have been like that._

 

Tony: No shit.

 

Tony: But maybe it just means I never really felt secure, and why the hell didn't I see this earlier, why didn't you tell me earlier, dammit??

 

_Steve: You've no idea how much I wish we reached that point earlier, Tony._

 

Tony: Hell, don't, I wasn't being serious.

 

 _Steve: I know. I was_.

 

Tony: I don't think you have a problem with putting things to words, though.

 

Tony: When you're not overthinking it.

 

Tony: And, trust me on my word, succinct does not always equal good.

 

_Steve: Noted._

 

Tony: Don't get me wrong, I'm not a big fan of therapists and their ilk, as you know, but I'm curious: Why don't you want to try?

 

_Steve: I did have a talk with an analyst working for SHIELD once._

 

Tony: The bastard tried to analyze you so you kicked his ass?

 

_Steve: :)_

_Steve: I can't talk about personal stuff with someone I don't feel close to and that's it._

 

Tony: I think that's exactly why it works for some people.

 

_Steve: But not for you either._

 

Tony: Honestly, my main problem is... Look, I'll happily pay for anything, but if I really have to pay for someone to listen to me rant, then I don't want it. If that's the only way I can get it, I don't want it.

 

 Tony: Fuck, I must be really tired.

 

_Steve: But maybe it's not the same when someone who's not a friend listens to what you have to say. Someone unbiased._

 

Tony: Are we touching upon kitchenware again?

_Steve: Yeah, but it's different when it's you, obviously :)_

 

Tony: Listen, therapists are not my thing, and not yours either. But there are other options, as we've established previously.

 

Tony: So I'll make you a deal.

 

_Steve: Why am I scared all of a sudden?_

 

Tony: I'll think about options if you think about options, okay?

 

_Steve: Oh._

_Steve: Tentatively okay on that._

 

Tony: Tentatively, unwillingly okay from this side too. Since I have to.

 

Tony: Extortionist.

 

_Steve: Oh, good._

 

Tony: Also, if I manage to make a working anesthetic for you, that's one less thing to worry about in case you happen to need surgery or something.

 

Tony: Shit, I think I really need that PhD.

 

_Steve: Am I allowed to say you're my favorite mad scientist, or is that insensitive?_

 

Tony: No, it's perfect.

 

Tony: I'm going to end it on a high note and go for a tentative, unwilling good night right now.

_Steve: Sleep tight, Tony._

***

 

Tony: Oh, I forgot to say.

 

Tony: Of all the supersoldiers I've met, you're defo my favorite.

 

Tony: Which brings me to this. You know, if you had tranquillizer that actually worked on you people, you could have a pretty safe way to deal with your James too, were you to unfreeze him. I mean. You could have experts work on his de-conditioning, for example, or the retrieval of his memories or whatnot, with very little danger. In case he goes rabid, just poof, a shot from the distance, and he's sleeping like a baby.

 

_Steve: I can't understand how you can be like that :)_

_Steve: I really can't :)_

_Steve: And 'thank you' sounds so silly._

Tony: Gotta uphold my reputation of your favorite mad scientist.

 

_Steve: Why aren't you asleep?_

 

Tony: It's just not coming.

 

_Steve: You still high from today?_

 

Tony: I can barely keep my eyes open but the mind's racing 100 mph.

 

_Steve: I know how that feels. We're both too much of city boys, so counting sheep just feels unnatural._

 

Tony: Yeah, we're stunted that way.

 

_Steve: Listen, what you did today, it was amazing._

 

Tony: Also fun.

 

_Steve: I didn't mean to not tell you about the serum, Tony._

 

Tony: I know. You told me.

 

_Steve: I just assumed you knew. And you made a point of not really asking about the missions except in the most general terms. And then we didn't really talk for days. And then_

 

Tony: And then we talked about way more important stuff than some cruddy super-soldier serum, bc who cares about such, eh?

 

Tony: I would have appreciated the info about the gov involvement, though. It would have fitted nicely with my collection of dirt I've been collecting on Ross Mór and the minions, which now I feel bad about not telling you about, but there you go, I guess we're even.

 

Tony: It's going live tomorrow. Exclusively on Everhart's network for 24 hrs, then I'm putting the whole bulk of the thing on the net.

 

_Steve: Why didn't you, though?_

_Steve: I'm not angry, but why?_

 

Tony: I conveniently forgot you and Natasha did something of the sort a few years back, honestly, so I thought you were going to go all judgy on me.

 

_Steve: For whistleblowing?_

 

Tony: For obtaining information in the not most legal of ways, eh. And aw come one, I can never know what you're going to be judgy about. It's you.

 

 

**A bit later  
**

 

Tony: Hey?

 

Tony: Don't.

 

_Steve: I don't think I've been so judgy of late, though._

_Steve: And I won't. I really won't._

_Steve: You don't have to worry about that now._

 Tony: You haven't, true.

 

Tony: But honestly, I've been at it for months, and in the beginning I wouldn't have told you  to save my life, and then I felt a little weird for not telling you, but I didn't want to deal with any of it. And I didn't have all that much. Or, I did, but it all felt disjointed. I didn't have anything real before Natasha pointed me into the right direction, and then everything fell into place very nicely.

 

_Steve: So, we're still kind of dancing around the honesty thing, but we're at least talking about it, so it feels better._

_Steve: Is it supposed to feel better?_

Tony: I don't know.

 

_Steve: But it feels better?_

Tony: It feels like teeny tiny progress, but it fits with bigger progress on other fields of action, so I guess that's okay.

 

Tony: And now I'm all awake again.

 

_Steve: It's really late! You need at least a few hours of sleep._

Tony: If I pop a pill, I'm going to be all muddled tomorrow, and I need me to not be muddled.

 

Tony: Maybe I should just give in, go get coffee and power through.

 

Tony: It's beginning to sound like the best idea right now.

 

_Steve: No, don't._

_Steve: Listen._

_Steve: If I say white pawn to d4, what are you going to say? :)_

 

Tony: That we didn't finish the last match.

 

_Steve: Well, I want a rematch._

 

Tony: You can't have a REMATCH if we haven't finished the previous MATCH.

 

_Steve: Okay, a fresh start then._

Tony: Well, then.

 

Tony: Black knight to f6.

 

Tony: Hellyes, I'm yawning already and we've barely even started.

 

_Steve: My pawn to c4._

 

Tony: Oooh, bold.

 

_Steve: That's a standard move._

Tony: Yeah, but I felt obliged to comment.

 

_Steve: Shut up and play._

Tony: Black pawn to g6.

 

_Steve: Knight to c3._

 

***

 

Tony: Good nigh, Steve.

 

_Steve: Good night, Tony._

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Tomorrow morning, pretty early (New York time)**

 

_Steve: Did Ross have the authority to have Everhart arrested like that at all?_

Tony: Gee, Steve, I don't know. Did he have the authority to as good as put a shoot to kill order on you back in Germany?

 

_Steve: Why are you being  pissy at me?_

Tony: Just stress, baby.

 

Tony: Don't mind me.

 

 _Steve: I didn't know about the shoot to kill order_. _I just asked Natasha about that._

 

Tony: Yeah.

 

_Steve: How come you didn't tell me?_

 

Tony: I thought I'd mentioned something? Although I seem to remember that talk on the airport wasn't a happy place for sharing any kind of information, in either direction.

 

Tony: Are you really going to be giving me shit about that now?

 

_Steve: No, I was just curious, actually._

Tony: You could ask Natasha the same thing, btw. Why she didn't tell you, if she didn't.

 

_Steve: I remember you did mention something about J-socs; just didn't sound so sinister at that moment, or I wasn't paying attention._

_Steve: And I just did. Ask Natasha.._

Tony: And?

 

_Steve: She said she was waiting  for me to ask about it first. And so she waited. And, apparently, waited._

Tony: Didn't you guys talk about what happened at all?

 

_Steve: Well, not much. Not about that._

Tony: As established previously, if all of us had talked more, lots of this could have been avoided.

 

Tony: And in the same vein, uh-oh. Rhodey just flew back from France, he's coming over, and I think he's pretty pissed at me. So I gotta go. Talk to you later.

 

Tony: And talk to Natasha, for fuck's sake.

 

 

**A little later**

_Steve: This is ghastly._

Tony: Oh, you're watching TV. Our leak went live a little while ago.

 

Tony: Made quite a splash, eh?

 

_Steve: Experimenting on people like that. And it's been going on for YEARS._

_Steve: I mean, I knew Bruce's story in part, and about that other guy, but this..._

_Steve: I'm thinking it'd be easier to understand if Ross were Hydra, but he isn't._

 

_Steve: Is he?_

Tony: Not every piece of shit in this universe is a Hydra agent.

 

Tony: Although apparently everyone IS trying to create super-soldiers, Christ almighty.

 

Tony: Those people kind of volunteered, though.

 

_Steve: In exchange for money or out of desperation._

 

Tony: Well, everyone has their reasons, eh? I can think of at least two Avengers who volunteered for a similar type of experiments for reasons all their own, Steve.

 

Tony: And one who experimented on himself. Although that's a time-honored mad scientist practice, so.

 

_Steve: It all feels different, though. And It's still horrible. Maybe because the results are  so horrid._

_Steve: And they KEPT them._

 

Tony: Is that worse than just killing them off after they were done with them?

 

_Steve: I can't even figure out if you're actually defending Thaddeus Ross, from me, after all this. Or what._

Tony: Well,  fuck. No. Not really.

 

Tony: Look, I'm probably just playing devil's advocate. I don't even know.

 

Tony: I really don't.

 

_Steve: It went that badly with Rhodey, huh?_

 

Tony: It didn't go badly. It's me and Rhodey. It'll be all right.

 

Tony: Eventually.

 

Tony: So yeah. Pretty badly, all in all.

 

Tony: You're creepy sometimes, do you know that?

 

_Steve: Thank you. So what happened?_

 

Tony: He heavily disapproves oft he info leak, because revealing state secrets is apparently frowned upon in some circles. And there is some military stuff that shouldn't' be available to the public, obviously, who would've known. And he's horrified by all this, just like everyone else, but he says it should have been dealt with internally, there are proper channels, you can't just spill it all out, and cause panic and distrust and destabilize the country. But he was kind of with me on the media blockade matter, obviously, because how could he not be. And he did see the urgency, and the 'proper channels' take time, and can be stoppered, and it's difficult. And this info DID need to be made public, it couldn't have gone on like this.

 

Tony: But he's mainly angry because I didn't consult him on anything, said he coulda helped make this safer and less chaotic. Which, in retrospect, is probably true.

 

Tony: And he's positively LIVID I didn't tell him anything and then I talked him into going away.

 

Tony: I said I just wanted him to be safe and to have some time to recuperate without worrying about all this, which, well, you can imagine how well that went down.

 

_Steve: As we previously established, keeping people in the dark is not the best idea, even when you think it's in their best interest, eh?_

 

Tony: Preach, big guy.

 

_Steve: Are you two going to be all right, though?_

Tony: Of course we'll be all right. It's me and Rhodey. We have decades of friendship under our communal belt.

 

_Steve: But you're worried nevertheless._

Tony: Worried? I literally almost bit my own finger off. But I rationally know it will be okay.

 

Tony: Eventually.

 

Tony: Probably.

 

_Steve: Listen to me. You'll talk to him about it again, you'll sort it out. You can't not. It's an unimaginable scenario. It can't go any other way._

 

Tony: I guess.

 

Tony: Thanks, buddy.

 

Tony: This talking thing, it does wonders, eh?

_Steve: Oh, the secretary of defense is involved too! I just saw the part with the emails._ _Even before he was appointed. How did you get your hands on all that?_

 

_Steve: And what else did he say?_

_Steve: Rhodey, I mean._

Tony: He said to tell you to tell Sam he said hi.

 

_Steve: I will._

_Steve: Oh, Natasha told me to tell you to tell Bruce she said hi._

 

Tony: Oh god. This is getting ridiculous.

 

Tony: Okay, I will.

 

Tony: Jesus.

 

_Steve: So you told Rhodey we were talking._

 

Tony: Yeah, I pretty much went for a full disclosure this time around.

 

_Steve: What did he say?_

 

Tony: That if we're actually still managing to talk regularly after more than a month, without biting each other's head off, this is probably not the stupidest or the most harmful thing I've ever been doing. But to watch my ass because I'm actively breaking the law, which yeah, newsflash.

 

_Steve: That's not so bad, then._

 

Tony: Well, he said some considerably less nice things too, that I'm not going to repeat.

 

_Steve: You're spoiling me :)_

***

 

_Steve: But what if Everhart cracks and testifies against you?_

 

_Steve: For hacking._

Tony: No one calls it hacking any longer. This is not the 80s. And she won't.

 

_Steve: Tony, I'm serious. I don't care what word you use. And the way you are making light, I know it could be serious. And I asked Scott, and he went to jail for a SIGNIFICANTLY lesser offense in that same vein. So yes, I'm worried._

_Steve: She knows you blew the whistle, right? She knows it was you.._

 

Tony: They can't keep her confined. Look at the public outrage. They don't have anything to keep her FOR. They don't have anything to threaten her with either, not for real. To blackmail her with. Don't worry, dammit, I'm handling this.

 

_Steve: What if they promise her something she really wants instead?_

Tony: I gave her all she wanted. And to avoid any confusion, I don't mean just sex.

 

_Steve: You WHAT??_

 

Tony: Ouch.

 

_Steve: When did you manage to go sleep with her?_

_Steve; And bar everything else, Tony, how is that even a good idea??_

Tony: Oh god. Years ago? Before Pepper, even. Sorry, I thought maybe you knew about that.

 

_Steve: Oh._

_Steve: Oh, I thought it happened  now._

Tony: No.

 

Tony: Skipping ahead through all the shit I want to say but I'm not going to, why in the name of hell would you think that and WHEN exactly would I have managed to?

 

_Steve: It's just, the way you said it, it sounded like that._

 

Tony: Well, it's not.

 

 _Steve: Why did you even mention it then?_ _I mean_

 

Tony: I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

 

Tony: And I was making a joke.

 

Tony: Stupid, won't do it again.

 

Tony: Will be perfectly serious from now on. In all things.

 

_Steve: It wasn't an especially funny joke._

Tony: I figured, Steve.

 

_Steve: I mean, I don't see how it is relevant here. Or is it? I mean, were you two, what, in a relationship? Or did she just hate you, and then you two had sex, and then she went on hating you even more?_

 

Tony: Are you actually angry with me for something that happened like 6 or 7 years ago?

 

_Steve: It's just strange. Your choice of allies. And I don't understand why you trust her._

 

Tony: Steve?

 

_Steve: What?_

Tony: Is this you being jealous?

 

_Steve: No._

 

_Steve: Yes._

_Steve: Is it?_

 

Tony: Sounds like it. You tell me, big guy.

 

_Steve: I'm just worried and I want you to explain this to me._

_Steve: I'm asking you to explain it to me._

 

Tony: Okay.

 

Tony: Okay, listen.

 

Tony: First of all, don't you compare me with Lang, dammit. I left no trail and I sure as hell haven't been caught in the act. The way I transferred the data to Christine also left no trail. I MYSELF couldn't find any trace of it, and I'm WAY better than the Feds at it, and you'll just have to trust me. If there was someone better, I'd KNOW of it.

 

_Steve: Okay._

Tony: A testimony, even were Everhart to give it, wouldn't be enough in itself. I haven't been in contact with any other possible witnesses. So, no case there. And Steve, when I said I gave Everhart all she wanted, it's true. This is every reporter's dream. This kind of data, this kind of opportunity for investigative journalism, she's going to lend a Pulitzer over it, wouldn't surprise me. She's not giving up a source like that. What can they promise her? Money? That's not what she's after here. Glory? They gave her that when they fucking arrested her. There are PROTESTS over the treatment of her, and for the freedom of the media. They are pretty massive. And I've got a wind that they are going to let her go by tonight, because at this point, with the government agencies, it's the matter of damage control.

 

Tony: By which I mean cutting off gangrenous parts while you still can, the way I was given to understand.

 

_Steve: You mean, they are going to throw the Rosses to the wolves and wash their hands._

 

Tony: Hardly anything else they could do.

 

Tony: And keeping reporters in custody an blocking the media isn't helping the cause.

 

_Steve: Yeah, okay._

 

Tony: So don't worry.

 

 

**Maybe an hour later**

 

Tony: In the interest of full disclosure here.

 

_Steve: Yeah?_

 

Tony: When I mentioned Christine like that, it wasn't just a joke. I mean

 

_Steve: What do you mean?_

 

Tony: Well.

 

Tony: I thought someone might tell you, that we had a fling that one time. Or you might see the gossip somewhere, they tend to dig the dirt up in situations of this type. So I thought you should probably hear it from me.

 

Tony: So that it doesn't get weird.

 

Tony: Damn, it got weird, didn't it?

 

  _Steve: Didn't you tell me because you thought I already knew?_

 

Tony: That right there sounds even weaker now than the first time I said it.

_Steve: You could have just told me normally._

_Steve: You just made it more significant this way._

_Steve: Is it supposed to be significant?_

Tony: No.

 

_Steve: All right._

 

Tony: Really.

 

_Steve: All right._

 

 

**About four in the afternoon, New York time**

Tony: You know, I keep thinking how I should have found this out earlier. About the super-soldier serum. About the experiments. Technically, I had all the data. And I KNEW how awfully invested Ross was in having a superpowered team at his back and call, essentially. That was what he wanted, that was what he tried to make happen. By any means necessary.

 

Tony: And I know the full story of what happened with Bruce.

 

Tony: And I should have been more alert. But it was all so well concealed. Really deeply so. Without the pointers in Natasha's docs, I don't know when I would've found out. And you know what, it kind of scares the hell out of me.

 

_Steve: Will you stop blaming yourself. You did good. Really. Look at the public backlash. Look at how horrified everyone is._

 

_Steve: I think Ross is going down._

 

Tony: And then there's a part of me that thinks Ross was at least a known evil, and I've no idea who will come to take his place.

 

_Steve: I know this is not what you want to hear, but that's part of the reason I don't trust politicians. You know that. Every time you scratch the surface, dirt comes out._

 

Tony: Yeah, this is exactly what I need now.

 

_Steve: I don't know what else to say, except for what I really think._

 

Tony: Christ, Cap. Look, I know it's important that we talk about this too, I know we should have this discussion sooner rather than later.

 

Tony: And I want to, honestly, I do. I want to have all the discussions with you.

 

_Steve: We don't have to do it now. Don't worry. You get to worry enough about everything else. Don't worry about that._

_Steve: I shouldn't have mentioned anything._

_Steve: But you started talking about it._

 

Tony: My head is killing me and I can't

 

Tony: I just can't manage to have a philosophical discussion about the nature of democracy and its beautiful imperfections while my head is killing me like this.

 

_Steve: Aw, Tony._

 

Tony: I think it's going to get split in two, actually. Hell, I'm going to give a birth to Athena. I have a mother and father of all headaches in the world, and I think I'm going to throw up, and I just took the meds, and they should kick in soon, I hope they do. But I was just sitting here, thinking how I should have known sooner, and I can't shake that feeling, that's all.

 

Tony: So maybe I just wanted to hear you say it wasn't on me.

 

_Steve: Oh, I'm so sorry your head hurts, Tony! God, I didn't know._

_Steve: Dammit, Tony, IT'S NOT ON YOU! of course it's not on you!_

_Steve: You don't get to blame yourself for this. I'm not letting you. To hell with that._

_Steve: You are doing so much!_

Tony: Thanks. Weirdly, it helps.

 

_Steve: Good._

_Steve: Because it's true._

Tony: Can we just talk about something else. Oh god, the light from the phone is killing me. Tell me something. Whatever.

 

Tony: Something good.

 

_Steve: I drew something for you. I would send it to you, but apparently it's not safe right now._

 

Tony: Oh!

 

Tony: Can you take a photo?

 

_Steve: Okay_

_Steve: [is sending a picture]_

Tony: Oh.

 

_Steve: You don't like them?_

Tony: Are you kidding? They are lovely. So exquisite.

 

Tony: You know, I can build a suit of armor in a fucking cave with like two pots, a pan, and a sharp stick, but I still have no idea how you can go and turn a piece of paper into art with just a pencil.

 

_Steve: I drew them because last night you said I should send flowers :)_

Tony: I was being sarcastic. And this was probably the nicest trolling of my sarcasm that was ever done to me.

 

_Steve: I'm glad you like them :)_

 

Tony: I do. And also, they are mine now. I expect the original as soon as it's safe to use the post again.

 

_Steve: Deal._

 

_Steve: As for the discussion, yeah, some other time._

Tony: I can barely wait.

 

Tony: Sarcasm again, btw.

 

_Steve: I know. Did you roll your eyes too?_

Tony: Yep. The biggest mistake of my life.

 

_Steve: Shouldn't you lie down for a while? That's what my mom used to do when she got migraines. In the dark._

Tony: I don't have time.

 

_Steve: You must have twenty minutes to lie down._

_Steve: Leave the phone in another room. Turn the lights off._

_Steve: Shoo._

 

Tony: Shoo? Really, Steve?

 

_Steve: Really, shoo._

 

 

**5 pm in New York; Midnight in Wakanda**

Tony: It stopped hurting.

 

_Steve: Oh good! So happy to hear that!_

_Steve: I hate it that you have those headaches._

 

Tony: Yeah, bud, me too.

 

Tony: So, they released Christine Everhart from custody.

 

_Steve: I saw._

 

Tony: Fuck, now it's all weird, talking about this, isn't it? Why'd you have to go and make it weird.

 

_Steve: But you made it weird._

Tony: Didn't.

 

_Steve: Tony?_

Tony: Hm.

 

_Steve: Look, I've been thinking._

 

Tony: I'm running out of mean responses to that and all I'm coming up with is a boring 'hit me'.

 

_Steve: I think I was being jealous today._

 

Tony: It sure seemed that way.

 

 _Steve: But_ i _n the interest of full disclosure, I guess I should tell you something else too._

 

_Steve: I think I'm falling in love with you, Tony._

 

_Steve: Tony?_

_Steve: please don't run away now_

 

_Steve: It doesn't have to mean anything for what we are trying to do here. I just thought I should probably tell you. So that you'd know._

 

_Steve: I don't have to mention it ever again._

 

Tony: Falling in love, eh?

 

Tony: You know what, I'm sorely tempted to say: You asshole, ONLY NOW??

 

Tony: because, see

 

Tony: In this shitty, fucked up excuse for a world, you are one of the few people that I actually really love

 

Tony: in the interest of full fucking disclosure, Rogers.

 

Tony: God, Steve.

 

_Steve: Oh, I love you too! Of course I do!_

 

_Steve: Only, now I'm falling in love with you as well, and that's a bit different, I think._

 

_Steve: Isn't it?_

 

Tony: Love is love.

 

Tony: One of the few fields that in my experience actually defy classification.

 

Tony: and it doesn't need it either, if you ask me

 

Tony: But then again

 

Tony: the few people I've been in more or less serious relationships with, over the course of my life, HAD been my friends beforehand, so I probably do have a history of being fucking unable to distinguish between the two.

 

_Steve: Oh god, Tony, I don't even_

 

Tony: So, what do you want to do about it?

 

_Steve: I don't know._

_Steve: Go on talking to you?_

 

_Steve: Seriously, that's pretty much the only thing I really want to ever do now :)_

 

Tony: Me too. Me-fucking-too.

 

Tony: Which...

 

Tony: I was pretty flabbergasted to realize it, but it's true, and what can you do.

 

Tony: Actually

 

Tony: I'm really happy you told me

 

Tony: because hell, Steve, with all the dick jokes and all, it was really beginning to feel like you were actually flirting, or flirting back, or whatever.

 

_Steve: Strangely enough, that's how it felt to me too._

Tony: Well, now at least I know I'm not crazy.

 

Tony: Also, now you get to legit be unnecessarily jealous over Christine fucking Everhart, and I get to be jealous about you going on dates and things, right?

 

_Steve: Well, I don't know how to put this, but for now I think my chat dates with you are going to be quite enough for me, thanks :)_

_Steve: Look, I'm glad I told you too, Tony._

_Steve: And that you told me what you told me, although I'm not even sure how to take it._

 

Tony: Exactly the way I said it.

 

Tony: fuck's sake

 

Tony: How can I be any clearer than that?

 

Tony: Steve, buddy, you still there?

 

_Steve: Please don't hate me for this, but s it okay if I go now, for a bit?_

 

_Steve: You know me. I need to process shit :)_

Tony: I know. And for this once, I'm not going to comment on your language, you ass.

 

Tony: Fuck, Cap, I can't believe this is happening.

 

_Steve: Me neither._

_Steve: Really._

_Steve: I think I'm going to go to bed and think about you for a bit :)_

Tony: Something dirty?

 

_Steve: No!_

_Steve; maybe a little_

Tony: then okay

 

Tony: sleep tight, Steve

 

_Steve: you too_


	16. Chapter 16

**Tomorrow (Wednesday), 9 a.m. in Wakanda, 2 a.m. in NYC**

Tony: You up?

 

_Steve: How exactly do you mean?_

 

Tony: Oh my god, the innuendo. It's killing me. I'll never get used to you doing that.

Tony: Steve, tell me something.

Tony: Did yesterday really happen?

_Steve: It did._

Tony: And you're not weirded out by it at all?

 

_Steve: Are you going back on what you said?_

 

Tony: No. No backsies now. Don't worry.

 

_Steve: Good._

 

Tony: You know, I was about to say 'yes, I lied in order to fuck with you head', but I thought you might take me seriously even for a moment, and you know what, I'm not that much of an asshole.

 

_Steve: I wouldn't have taken it seriously._

_Steve: Maybe for a second, but not for real._

_Steve: But thank you for not making that second happen._

Tony: Okay then.

 

_Steve: And  I'm not weirded out. Are you?_

 

Tony: Not even a teensy little bit?

 

_Steve: No. I have no idea what happens next, but I know what I feel. And I know what you feel. That's enough for me._

_Steve: But I take it you are? Weirded out._

Tony: Maybe the teensy little bit I just mentioned?

 

Tony: You know, I went to bed, and I woke up, and I had to check my phone to see if the conversation's still there. And I've been lying here, waiting for you to possibly wake up. I have two clocks set here, my time and Wakanda time, you know, so that I always know what time it is where you are, at a glance. And I've had it set up that way for weeks, Steve, how is that not weird??

 

Tony: And I wasn't even sure if I WANTED the phone to buzz or not, it's like an odd in- between state, where I both want it and not, so that I can have this moment last longer. I'm lying in bed and I'm so overexcited I'm almost shaking. And of course I can't sleep now. I haven't been this giddy since second grade, fuck this. I think I can positively hear thoughts flurrying around in my head.

 

Tony: Crashing into each other. Like atoms.

 

Tony: So what's new with you?

 

Tony: AND IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THIS NOT WEIRD??

 

_Steve: Me, I don't remember I've ever felt this at peace, in my whole life._

_Steve: You wouldn't believe how much I'm smiling right now. I can't stop._

_Steve: And finally everything seems all right, and everything seems exactly as it should be, and nothing is really resolved, but for the first time I think everything will sort itself out somehow. Everything is falling into place. Isn't it? Just so... serene._

 

Tony: You sound happy.

 

Tony: I like it when you sound happy.

 

_Steve: Are you?_

Tony: Yeah.

 

Tony: Dammit, Steve.

 

_Steve: Yeah._

_Steve: So, what's second grade?_

Tony: What?

 

_Steve: The second grade. When you were giddy? Over a girl, a boy?_

 

Tony: Over tech.

 

_Steve: Oh, of course._

Tony: I'd just made the first predecessor of Dummy's, and I was about to test him.

_Steve: Silly me._

Tony: Well, you asked.

 

_Steve: Did it work?_

 

Tony: He. And that depends of your given meaning of 'work', but mostly no. Worked wonderfully as a paper weight before I took him apart again.

 

Tony: There are pieces of him still inside Dummy, did you know?  I tend to re-use parts.

 

_Steve: But not because you are sentimental, obviously. It was just practical, right?_

 

Tony: Precisely.

_Steve: You're a silly ass and I love you so much._

 

Tony: WEIRD.

 

_Steve: Go to sleep. It's late in New York._

 

_Steve: I have both clocks set on my phone too, by the way._

 

Tony: Also

 

Tony: I love you.

 

_Steve: I know._

 

Tony: Did you make me say that so that you could quote Star Wars at me?

 

_Steve: What can I say, I'm a convert._

 

Tony: You're absurd.

 

_Steve: Thank you._

_Steve: Go the hell to sleep, Tony. The way things are going, the world will probably be ending in a few hours._

_Steve: And you need to be well-rested for that._

 

Tony: Okay. I'll try.

 

***

 

**9 a.m. in NYC, 4 p.m. in Wakanda**

 

Tony: So, Rhodey just stopped by.

_Steve: How'd it go?_

 

Tony: Well, he brought good coffee, but he kind of slammed it on the desk before me, so that I wouldn't read too much into it. And he gave me the mother of all sourpatch glares.

 

_Steve: Sounds promising._

Tony: He said I was a little piece of shit for hiding things from him, but that he couldn't stay mad at me for any length of time. And that he knew I had the best of intentions, obviously. And to kindly go fuck myself. And to never ever pull something like that again.

 

Tony: All the usual stuff, really.

 

_Steve: I'm so happy you two are all right again. Did France agree with him?_

 

Tony: Aw, come on. France agrees with everyone.

 

_Steve: I don't know. When I was there, a few years back, there was a lot of surplus heat. And the gunfire would really get on one's nerves._

Tony: You seem perky today.

 

_Steve: Just happy._

 

Tony: Me too.

 

Tony: Rhodey's walking so well, now. If you don't know the prosthetics are there, they're practically invisible.

 

_Steve: So you think he'll be able to fly the suit again?_

 

Tony: I'm personally going to tie him down if he tries.

 

Tony: But yes, I guess, with time. He should be able to.

 

Tony: I'm not making him a suit again, though.

 

_Steve: And what's he got to say about that?_

 

Tony: That I owe him a new suit for all this.

 

_Steve: Oh, obviously._

 

_Steve: What are you going to do._

 

Tony: Honestly? No idea. What have you been up to today?

 

_Steve: I talked to Natasha whole morning._

Tony: And?

_Steve: It was good. You should try it sometime._

 

Tony: Natasha knows how to contact me, Steve.

 

_Steve: You know how to contact her too._

 

Tony: Yeah, I'm not commenting on that.

 

_Steve: She was still kind of angry with me, quiet-like, but we cleared the air, I think. I didn't even know we needed to. She asked me not to say anything, but I think you'd find you two agree on more points than you'd have initially thought._

Tony: It's not about politics at this point.

 

_Steve: I didn't say politics._

_Steve: She says we should all meet, though, and talk this out, after the situation calms down a little bit._

 

Tony: Yeah, like one big happy, severely dysfunctional family.

 

Tony: I'm SO looking forward to that.

 

Tony: You've no idea.

 

Tony: With all the eye-rolling, I'm going to give myself a headache all over again.

 

_Steve: But that way I would get to see you :)_

 

Tony: Yeah, I was hoping to see you without six other people present, but whatever floats your boat.

 

Tony: Perv.

 

_Steve: And yet, somehow, you haven't said 'no', exactly._

 

Tony: I haven't said yes either.

 

Tony: Listen, Steve, it's all fucked up. Even with what's going on with you and me, it's still fucked up. Even though I'm happy right now, it's FUCKED UP.

 

_Steve: I know._

 

Tony: It's too much, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to rain on your parade, honestly, not right now.

 

_Steve: By telling me how you feel?_

_Steve: By all means, pretend everything is great while falling apart on the inside._

_Steve: Because that's bound to work._

 

Tony: I didn't say I was falling apart.

 

_Steve: Well, are you?_

 

Tony: Maybe a bit.

 

_Steve: Talk._

 

Tony: It's too early for this. In the morning, I mean. Did you see the secretary of defense resigned, first thing today?

 

_Steve: I saw._

 

Tony: Well, that's good, isn't it?

 

_Steve: Have it your way, I can't make you. If you should want to talk about it, I'm here._

_Steve: I think you ought to._

Tony: FINE.

 

Tony: I know this is entirely subjective, but you know how I felt in those months before we started talking? And afterwards too. I felt like I'm not worthy of anyone's time. I didn't count. I was okay to leave behind. Even though I made my choices, obviously; that's still how I felt. I just didn't matter. And you know what, I was beginning to accept the fact. I was making my peace with it.

 

_Steve: Tony, NO._

Tony: You said you'd listen, so listen.

 

Tony: But then, Clint happens, via your running commentary. Clint happens; Clint's sorry. And that's it for me, I'm done, I'm over, I'm gushing to the press. And after that, I can't but wonder – what kind of person am I, to roll over like that, to latch onto the... what wasn't even an apology, since he didn't even say it to ME?

 

_Steve: The good kind._

_Steve: Of person._

Tony: For you, maybe. But for me?

 

_Steve: You want to know what I think?_

_Steve: You feel what you feel. You're allowed to feel it, whatever it is. I think that wondering_ w _hat kind of person you are because you feel that way, and all your self-hate regarding that - I think it does more harm than your feelings do, honestly._

_Steve: Even if you forgive someone, and even if you are then hurt all over again, I think it still does less harm than what you are constantly doing to yourself, this way._

_Steve: And I'm going to do my best to make sure you are not hurt again._

_Steve: You know you matter to me. You KNOW you do. I love you so much, you've no idea._

Tony: And here I thought you were falling for me only now.

 

_Steve: Shut up. And I told you I loved you as well. And maybe you are right, maybe the distinction between the two is just a matter of perspective, I don't know. You were ALWAYS important to me. I know you don't think it's so, but it is._

Tony: No, I know.

 

Tony: Now.

 

Tony: And you to me, too.

 

_Steve: Well, you're important to Clint and Nat as well. I know. Because they told me. One way or another, but they did._

Tony: I miss Clint and Natasha, Steve, don't think I don't.

 

_Steve: I know you do._

_Steve: And Bruce has ALWAYS adored you, from day one, and you know it._

 

Tony: Bruce left.

 

_Steve: Yeah, but he didn't leave YOU. It wasn't like that._

_Steve: Hell, listen, we are all screwed up, I think. All of us._

_Steve: I'm beginning to think we are all just fumbling around, trying to figure out how human relationships are supposed to work._

_Steve: For real people._

_Steve: But deep down, we have no idea._

Tony: Oh, god.

 

Tony: Yeah, it does feel like that, doesn't it?

 

Tony: And to be completely fair, you didn't say everything was magically resolved all of a sudden, you just said let's discuss.

 

_Steve: So, you'll think about it?_

Tony: So, I'll think about it.

 

**A little later**

Tony: I'm sorry they were in the Raft. I'm sorry I parted with Natasha on such terms. I never wanted any of this either, Steve.

 

_Steve: I know you didn't._

 

**Two hours later**

 

Tony: On to more cheerful topics. I just got a word of Ross. Have you heard anything about him, by the way?

 

_Steve: Thaddeus Ross? No. Has he resigned too?_

_Steve: I was surprised that he hadn't by now._

 

Tony: Because of the career assassination, you mean. Well, that was the big idea.

 

_Steve: He had it coming._

 

Tony: Well, he's a stubborn old bastard, Steve, and he has found a way to make all of this even weirder, if you can believe it.

 

_Steve: Are you safe?_

 

Tony: Apparently so, at least for now.

 

_Steve: ???_

 

Tony: He went and turned himself into a Hulk.

 

Tony: A red one, to mix it up a bit.

 

Tony: We just need a white one now and we'll have the Italian flag.

 

_Steve: Sorry if this is a stupid question, but I can't tell if you are joking or not._

_Steve: Tell me you are._

 

Tony: Nope.

 

Tony: I just got a call. It happened. He seems... more placid than Brucey tended to be in his day. Just sits there. He's not talking. They don't know if he can turn back into Ross or not, or what his triggers are or anything. But he doesn't seem to be an immediate threat.

 

_Steve: That's... strange, to say the least. Do you think it could have been an accident?_

 

Tony: Well, he left what amounts to a suicide note, so not really. He wanted to try the new serum, which worked beautifully, in case you wanted a hulk – apparently it was the batch acquired in Madripoor, so basically your story is now officially confirmed. You should see how quickly everyone is washing their hands of this. One would think Ross went over there himself, alone, on foot, and bought the thing with his own pocket money.

 

_Steve: But that's my problem with the politicians right there. How is one supposed to trust them? You know it will always turn out like this. I don't believe for one moment a lot of people didn't know about this. But they will just keep their positions, most of them, and keep doing what they are doing, and everyone will forget about this._

 

Tony: I'm aware of your opinions.

 

Tony: But that doesn't help us deal with the realities of the situation. I have to play with the hand I got. Get the best out of it. How can you not understand that?

 

_Steve: I mostly do understand where you are coming from._

Tony: That's probably the best I'm going to get, isn't it?

 

Tony: In any case, Ross also left what amounts to a will, I suppose. Having in mind a hulk isn't exactly the same person as his human counterpart, technically Ross is as good as dead, or disappeared, unless he shifts back at some point. In any case, he left himself – the hulk, actually – in any case, he left himself to the U. S. government, to use as they see fit. As a member of the so called Supersoldier Initiative 2k16. If such a thing can ever be legal. I doubt there is a precedent for this.

 

Tony: The government has a full-sized hulk all their own now, if they want him. Together with a number of smaller experimental ones. Which... oh joy.

 

_Steve: You know, If Ross wasn't such a bastard, I could almost admire him. Consistent to the last._

 

Tony: He had a weird kind of misplaced integrity, didn't he?

 

_Steve: But you are not making jokes about the serum and supersoldiers and a feeling of kinship._

Tony: I was being nice. Also, apparently, you can do it all by yourself.

 

Tony: I've taught you well.

 

Tony: Wanna know what's ironic?

 

Tony: With Bruce gone, and all of you gone, I'm pretty much the resident expert on this. And, technically speaking, I'm now the head of the nonexistent superhero force in the U. S. And thus, Ross now kind of falls under my jurisdiction, by right, or as good as.

 

_Steve: Speaking of poetic justice, eh?_

_Steve: He experimented on people who acquiesced to it out of desperation. And then he experimented on himself, now that he found himself in a desperate situation._

 

Tony: And he wanted the government to have a superpowered army, so he gave it a one-man army.

 

Tony: Isn't everything about this just poetic?

 

_Steve: I would really want to hear what Bruce has to say about it all._

 

Tony: Me too, pal.

 

Tony: I sent him a message. Still no reply, though. Oh, I have a call I have to return regarding this situation, talk to you later.

 

***

_Steve: Do you still have the hulkbuster? Just in case._

 

Tony: Yep. All cleaned and ironed and set out to air out. Smells faintly of mothballs, though.

 

_Steve: Good._

_Steve: Take care, will you?_

 

***

 

Tony: Steve?

_Steve: Hm?_

 

Tony: Steve, what the hell am I going to do with a red hulk and an army of traumatized or criminal-minded hulklings if it turns out I'm the one to have to deal with them?

 

_Steve: Still no word from Bruce?_

 

Tony: Oh, he sent a highly verbose message. Said 'teach them to meditate'.

 

_Steve: You probably don't want to hear this, but I can't get rid of a mental image of Bruce teaching an army of hulks yoga out on the Compound lawn, all day long._

Tony: No, that's... exactly what I needed to hear right now, actually, and thank you.

 

***

 

Tony: He says maybe he would consider coming back, as an instructor, if it came to that. Provided that I can guarantee he wouldn't be made to go fight under any circumstances, ever again. Like, if he were provided with a full, legal guarantee.

 

_Steve: Bruce?_

 

Tony: No, my old piano teacher, Mr. Struff.

 

_Steve: But it wouldn't be safe for him to come back in this political climate!_

 

Tony: Nope, and he's not going to either. We talked about it a little, in 'ifs' and 'maybes' and 'at some points'.

 

_Steve: Well, at least he's talking to you._

 

Tony: My thoughts exactly.

 

**The same evening (Tony’s time)**

 

_Steve: Are you all right?_

Tony: I'm not in any kind of danger, don't worry.

 

_Steve: But how are you doing?_

Tony: I mostly sit here surrounded by some assholes, wishing I could see you right now. Just for a moment.

 

_Steve: If you are really, really serious about it, I could come over in several hours. I have some fake documents that would probably be all right to use._

Tony: No!

 

Tony: Don't be stupid.

 

Tony: It's not safe for you here right now. We'll have to come up with a way to circumnavigate that. But later.

 

_Steve: I want to see you too, you know. I want to be there._

_Steve: I want to be with you with all this going on, Tony._

 

Tony: I know.

 

Tony: About that.

 

Tony: What's going on, I mean.

 

Tony: You are not going to like this.

_Steve: Yeah?_

 

Tony: Like, at all.

 

_Steve: Shoot._

Tony: I am being offered – and kind of coerced into accepting – the position of the secretary of defense. At least temporarily. Until this thing with the almost-supersoldiers is settled and resolved and dealt with. The institutions revised. A Shield-like type agency re-instated, without being infused with Nazis if at all possible, see. Or some other form of control set in place.

 

_Steve: Secretary of defense?_

_Steve: Oh, God._

_Steve: So, that would be it, then? You wouldn't be an Avenger any longer?_

 

Tony: Steve, there is no such things as the Avengers right now.

 

Tony: But perhaps we could somehow remedy that, with time. If we are not too stupid.

 

_Steve: Would you want to, then?_

 

Tony: And you know what I think, I think it's better to be on the inside, for a time, and take an active part in our faith being resolved, basically. The same as what I tried to do with the Accords. Because the alternative is to sit passively and watch laws being passed and stuff, and have no say in anything.

 

_Steve: Are you going to accept?_

Tony: maybe

 

Tony: probably

 

_Steve: Do you WANT to accept?_

 

Tony: good god no

 

Tony: Are you crazy?

 

_Steve: You could do a lot of good, though._

 

Tony: I know.

 

Tony: I preferred to do good flying around, kicking ass, that was my thing.

 

_Steve: I know._

 

Tony: But apparently I can't have that now, not like that, so maybe this is better than nothing.

 

Tony: And I have literally no one to put at the head of SI. Spidey's underage, Rhodey told me to stuff it, and I don't think they'd accept an android. Think there is any way to lure Thor back and make him take up the position? He's trustworthy and way shrewder than he pretends to be.

 

_Steve: Maria Hill used to work for you, didn't she?_

 

Tony: Maybe that's a thought worth consideration.

 

_Steve: If you accept this position, you are going to hate every second of it._

 

Tony: yeah

 

_Steve: But you could protect Bruce._

 

Tony _:_ yeah

Tony _:_ and other people

 

_Steve: You thought I was going to be all judgmental about this, didn't you?_

 

Tony: you? nah

 

Tony: not you

 

_Steve: Tony._

Tony: See, I can hear the lack of judgment in your voice as you type that.

 

Tony: Steve?

 

Tony: Hey, buddy, come on.

 

Tony: I’m kidding around.

 

_Steve: Look, I'm actually trying, too. You are not the only one that's trying._

Tony: Listen, yeah, a part of me was afraid you were going to think I was selling out for power or position or whatever.

 

Tony: IS that what you are thinking?

 

_Steve: Aw, come on, dammit._

_Steve: It's just that, to me, this seems like going to bed with the wrong people, and there will have to be a lot of compromising, and I have no idea what it's going to be like, and if it's going to be for better or for worse, in the end. But nobody can ever know that._

_Steve: And I talked to Natasha._

_Steve: About the Accords._

_Steve: And I do understand where you were coming from, in a way, and this is not dissimilar._

Tony: Yeah.

 

_Steve: And I definitely don't think you are SELLING OUT, because, bar everything else, that would have to include you getting something OUT of this, and I think all you are going to get out of this is grief and more grief._

 

 _Steve: But I keep thinking_ o _f having you in that position_

_Steve: Instead of Lynch._

_Steve: And the future looks a lot brighter._

_Steve: But you are still going to hate it._

_Steve: And I'm afraid it'll be killing you._

 

_Steve: And it scares me. But I'd help as much as I could. I promise._

Tony: I'm still at your 'I keep thinking of having you in that position'.

 

_Steve: Tony._

 

_Steve: I'm trying to be serious here._

 

Tony: of course i'm going to hate it

 

Tony: i'm going to hate every single second of it

 

Tony: my stomach is already turning

 

Tony: i'm getting a headache

 

_Steve: Aw. I'm so sorry._

Tony: I didn't think you'd react this way, honestly.

 

Tony: Because before, you wouldn't have.

 

_Steve: I don't know._

 

Tony: I do.

_Steve: No, what I mean is_

_Steve: I know you so much better now. I can imagine what's going through your head._

_Steve: It would be nice if you gave me some credit sometimes._

_Steve: Just the fact that I now know how much you would sincerely hate doing something like that is what makes a difference._

 

 _Steve: I_ _can't explain._

_Steve: But I really, sincerely wish you didn't have to do it._

Tony: I know.

 

Tony: Look, Steve, if I ever stop hating it, even for a little bit, I'm quitting and that's it.

 

_Steve: You haven't even accepted yet, and already you are thinking of quitting._

 

_Steve: Is that how I raised you, young man? :)_

 

***

 

Tony: Thank you, Steve. I never even say that, but thank you.

 

_Steve: No, don't._

Tony: But I mean it.

 

_Steve: Still, don't._

_Steve: I miss you._

Tony: Me too, babe.

 

***

 

_Steve: Now THAT'S a little weird._

***

 

Tony: Get used to it, you ass.

 

***

 

_Steve: And that, on the other hand, feels completely natural._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a chapter and a half left :)


	17. Chapter 17

**That night (Steve's time)**

_Steve: So, something pretty strange just happened._

Tony: At 4 in the morning?

 

_Steve: I was... approached by an odd individual named Steven Strange. Here, in the palace._

 

Tony: Oh. Him.

 

_Steve: You DO know him??_

 

Tony: Awesome beard, ridiculous cape?

 

_Steve: Come on, Tony, you obviously know who he is._

 

Tony: Not really, but by the little I've been able to find out, I think he's borderline safe to talk to.

 

_Steve: I'm now wondering if you can perhaps venture a guess as to what he wanted._

 

Tony: To prattle about how, according to his findings, the rift between you and me, as well as the Avengers splitting  apart,  is unraveling the fabric of this universe around our ears?

 

_Steve: So you did talk to him, then?_

 

Tony: Yeah, he was here a little while ago. I didn't think it was worth waking you up over, was going to tell you all about it in a few hours. I didn't think he'd come at you at four in the morning. Shoulda known better.

 

_Steve: If I didn't see him walk away through a hole in the air, I would have thought you were playing some kind of weird practical joke on me, somehow._

 

Tony: There's such a thing as too much credit, Cap.

 

Tony: You didn't find him a teensy bit impressive, though?

 

Tony: Also, I think the hole in the air is called a portal.

 

_Steve: Did he offer you anything?_

 

Tony: He offered to show me the world; shining, shimmering, splendid.

 

Tony: Sry, I'm just really, really tired and I'm fed up with everything. The last straw and all that.

 

_Steve: Yeah._

_Steve: This was a tad too much, I agree._

_Steve: Sam started laughing hysterically when I told him. I'm on the verge, myself._

_Steve: Strange offered to show me a number of different universes, akin to ours. In all of these we apparently exist, a little differently than here. And in some of them we are friends, and in some we aren't, but apparently we cause what is called ’ripples’, and our relationship is one of the key points in time. It tends to affect the future goings-on considerably. This was apparently supposed to be my incentive to ’make the hell up with Stark and stop screwing around before it was too late’, as he put it._

Tony: So what did you say?

 

_Steve: I said no._

_Steve: And then he said ’Are you two kidding? People would kill for a chance to see something like this!’_

_Steve: And I said ’All the more reason not to give it to them.’_

Tony: Oh my god, YAY. Someone else got the judgy!

 

Tony: I probably shouldn’t have said that? I’m just kidding around, you know that, right?

 

_Steve: Go to hell. Seriously._

Tony: I love you?

 

_Steve: That works._

 

Tony: You didn't tell him we were talking?

_Steve: No. It's none of his business. But I did ask him if he didn't notice a slight improvement in his so called readings of late, and he said yeah, all right, perhaps._

 

_Steve: Tony, is it possible the portal thing is some kind of a trick, a high-tech illusion or something?_

 

Tony: Hill says that, according to her sources, Strange is the real deal.

 

Tony: But I do think there is no such thing as magic. Just the tech we cannot comprehend yet. So yeah, a high-tech trick might be the right definition.

 

_Steve: You're saying it's real? The whole story about taking a peek into the parallel realities? About us being a key point?_

 

Tony: Hell, I don't know, Steve. We are the folks that used to hang out with a Norse god, who once went to seek enlightenment in a mystic pond. I mean, why not this? Whyever the hell not? Eh?

 

***

 

_Steve: So, you didn't look either, right?_

 

Tony: Steve, I've seen you die a million deaths, over and over again, in my head. I don't need to see it happen someplace in the multiverse too, thanks so much.

 

_Steve: You think you'd have seen me die?_

 

Tony: I don't care. I couldn't stand it, if I did.

 

_Steve: I'd have thought curiosity would have won, with you._

_Steve: Over fear, I mean._

_Steve: A chance to have a glance at other universes._

Tony: Well, maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.

 

Tony: No, scratch that, you probably do.

 

Tony: Listen, the curiosity almost did win.

 

_Steve: So, what happened?_

 

Tony: What actually happened is, I’m getting seriously fed up with people sticking their nose in my affairs, is what happened.

 

Tony: Because look what Zemo did to us, just to tear the Avengers apart.

 

Tony: And I’m sick of my personal life being demolished

 

Tony: As a collateral

 

_Steve: Yes._

Tony: Which is a risk when you do what we do, granted. But in the cases where the risk is controllable, I’m going to fucking control it. Zemo did his best to undo me personally in order to take his revenge on the Avengers. And you.

 

Tony: undo you, I mean

 

Tony: So, it makes me sick

 

Tony: Steven Strange wanting to mend us

 

Tony: for the sake of the fucking universe

 

Tony: Because, yes, I was curious, of course I was, but I’m sick of being manipulated, and for once I can kind of see the options converging, and everything’s becoming sort of clear, and I’m sick of people trying to influence me one way or the other.

 

Tony: What I’m trying to say is

 

_Steve: You need your personal decisions to be your own._

 

Tony: YES

 

Tony: Not because of my fears, but because I WANT to do something.

 

Tony: If I want to

 

_Steve: So?_

_Steve:  DO you want to?_

 

Tony: Fuck, Steve, I don't know.

 

***

 

Tony: yeah

 

Tony: Yeah, let's all meet and try to talk it out, like Natasha said.

 

_Steve: All right._

 

***

 

**A few days later. Somewhere over the Atlantic/A rented house in northern Spain**

 

_Steve: I'm a little nervous. You?_

_Steve: Can't wait to see you, though._

Tony: The arrangements are perfectly safe. Don't worry.

 

_Steve: Jesus, Tony. I know. You said so a hundred times._

 

_Steve: That's not what I was talking about._

 

Tony: I know, buddy.

 

Tony: Look, we'll be okay.

 

Tony: Whatever happens, you and I at least will be okay.

 

Tony: I promise.

 

_Steve: Okay. Thanks, Tony._

 

***

 

Tony: You love me, though?

 

_Steve: Of course I do._

 

Tony: Okay.

 

***

 

Tony: I kind of decided to accept the position for a time.

 

_Steve: Good._

_Steve: I guess._

 

Tony: You still love me, right?

 

_Steve: YES, Tony._

_Steve: Whatever happens._

Tony: Okay.

 

 

**Northern Spain**

Tony: You know, you don't have to defend me just because we are almost an item.

 

Tony: I'm perfectly capable of standing up for myself.

 

_Steve: I knew you'd say that._

_Steve: And if I had just kept silent, you would have resented me for not standing up for you. Either way, I lose._

 

Tony: not true

 

_Steve: Deep inside, you would have._

 

Tony: No.

 

_Steve: I know you are never going to admit it. So relax._

_Steve: In any case, I decided I can't win either way, so I just went out and said exactly what I thought, and that's it._

_Steve: And there's nothing you can do about it._

 

Tony: Natasha's onto us.

 

Tony: She just looked at you in a funny way.

 

_Steve: What do you mean, almost an item?_

_Steve: Tony?_

 

Tony: Stop typing, she's onto us.

 

***

 

Tony: Well, that escalated quickly.

 

_Steve: We knew there was going to be yelling. Can't talk this through without yelling. Not us, at any rate._

 

Tony: True. Never seen Clint get so vocal before, though.

 

_Steve: I told you he opened up._

 

_Steve: Think it was productive?_

Tony: I sure hope so.

 

Tony: I don't relish the idea of losing my voice for nothing.

 

_Steve: Well, I feel a couple stones lighter, in any case. I think we cleared the air a little bit. You actually hugged Natasha. And Clint almost hugged you, the best he can. A lot of good things happened._

 

Tony: I guess.

 

Tony: Steve, what are we going to do about the Accords?

 

_Steve: Discuss some more._

_Steve: Keep trying. Together._

 

Tony: Compromise.

 

_Steve: That too._

 

Tony: It's not a bad word, Steve.

 

_Steve: Depends on how you use it._

 

Tony: Not unlike everything fucking else in life, eh?

 

_Steve: So, if all of us really manage to read them through, without bias, and send you our suggestions, I think that's a good start._

 

Tony: Yeah, this may be totally unfounded, but I've a feeling we can work it out if we actually try.

 

_Steve: Yeah._

 

Tony: Steve? Won't you come to my room now?

 

_Steve: Oh_

Tony: Oh?

 

Tony: What, you scared?

_Steve: A bit. You aren't?_

 

Tony: Are you kidding? Shitless.

 

Tony: Come over, Cap.

 

Tony: I swear I won't jump your bones at once.

 

_Steve: No?_

_Steve: Why not?_

_Steve: Don't you want to?_

Tony: Oh, don't be ridiculous.

 

_Steve: I want to see you alone. Of course I do. It's just so odd that it's finally happening. I want to kiss you. Do I get to kiss you?_

 

Tony: You get to do whatever you want.

 

_Steve: Okay :)_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's the deal. I wrote that scene. I did. It's pure PWP, for your reading pleasure, in case you want to read it, and it's right [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10786716). Now, I posted it as a separate fic because it's E-rated, and I didn't want that one scene to raise the rating of the whole fic. Also, it's not in texts, just regular prose, so it wouldn't fit the format.
> 
> If you don't want to read porn, it's not essential to the story. They have sex. That's it. You can just imagine what happened and go on to read the epilogue here (it's very short).


	18. Chapter 18

**Tomorrow. A plane over the Atlantic/a plane over the Mediterranean**

 

Tony: You had fun last night, right?

 

_Steve: I thought the correct term was ‘almost’ fun._

_Steve: And yes._

 

Tony: You are going to be giving me shit about that ‘almost’ forever, aren’t you?

 

_Steve: I should hope so._

 

_Steve: Tony, seriously now, last night was everything._

_Steve: It was really everything._

 

Tony: Yeah.

 

Tony: I’m a bit at a loss for words. Is that normal, do you think?

 

_Steve: I think that’s one of the symptoms._

 

Tony: We just said goodbye not half an hour ago, and I miss you so fiercely it’s practically ridiculous.

 

Tony: I want to see you. It’s not supposed to be like this. I want to see you now.

 

Tony: Do I just turn my plane back now? What do you say? I mean, seriously, what’s stopping me?

 

_Steve: Wait, no!_

 

Tony: No?

 

_Steve: You’ve been so good and smart and rational about everything, let’s not screw it up now when everything is almost solved!_

_Steve: I want to see you too!_

_Steve: I want to see you and hold you and have you talk at me while you figure things out, and EVERYTHING. But we’re so close, and it’s still too dangerous._

Tony: I guess.

 

Tony: I don’t want to be smart about this. Everyone gets to be silly about things like this. I hate smart.

 

***

 

Tony: But I guess you are right.

 

Tony: We get this bullshit resolved, and then you’re all mine.

 

***

_Steve: Tony?_

 

Tony: I can practically HEAR how worried you are all of a sudden. So spill.

 

_Steve: We are not going to lose this, are we?_

Tony: This, now? Are you fucking kidding me??

 

Tony: And how exactly do you mean?

 

Tony: And no.

 

_Steve: I’ve been scrolling through the old conversations. And we’ve come such a long way. We can talk about everything now. I don’t want to lose the honesty and the openness._

 

_Steve: And we’re not so very good at talking, are we._

_Steve: Not in person._

_Steve: Are we?_

 

Tony: Huh.

 

_Steve: You don’t think so?_

 

Tony: Well, technically speaking, there’s nothing stopping us from still texting then, if that’s what works, right?

 

_Steve: I guess so._

_Steve: Yes._

_Steve: Yes, that’s... strangely comforting._

Tony: Good.

 

Tony: And we can learn to talk. I mean, I learned to water-ski when I was 32. I can learn this too. It’s not rocket science.

 

_Steve: I somehow don’t think rocket science would be a problem :)_

Tony: I think we can unclench. Don’t WORRY, babe.

 

_Steve: Yes, you seem to know what you are doing on that front, at least._

Tony: Oh, you’re becoming a proper master of double entendre. It’s almost as if you’re thirteen.

 

_Steve: So when do I get too see you again?_

Tony: Maybe I can sneak out next weekend? Hop over the fence, fly over, meet you at another rental house on the coast?

 

_Steve: Sounds like a plan._

_Steve: Why the coast?_

Tony: Let’s say it’s my way of giving the Atlantic Ocean a finger.

 

_Steve: I love you so much. You know that, right?_

Tony: I do know that.

 

_Steve: That’s all good, then._

_Steve: :)_

Tony: :)

 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> So, that's it, folks. The journey's over. It got pretty mushy towards the end, as journeys are wont to do. Also, it proved way longer than the initial 10k words I'd had in mind. Even a plot emerged along the way.
> 
> If you've read my other works, you may have noticed I pretty much write only CW fix-its (I'm obsessed), so I like to keep them apart, to discuss different issues (thank god, there are enough issues there for a hundred fics) in different stories in slightly different ways. This is just one version...
> 
> Please drop a comment or leave kudos if you enjoyed it and thank you so much for reading <3
> 
> Also, I have [tumblr](https://the-vorkosigan.tumblr.com/), so find me there if you like.


End file.
